The Four Tendencies Page 2

  People often argue that they’re a mix of Tendencies. They tell me, “I’m an Obliger and an Upholder,” or “My Tendency changes depending on where I am or who I’m with.” This may sound sensible, but I must say that when I ask a few more questions, the person falls easily within a single Tendency, almost without exception.

  To be sure, as discussed in the sections on “Variations Within the Tendency,” people often “tip” in the direction of a Tendency that overlaps with their own, but nevertheless they still remain firmly located within a core Tendency.

  And, of course, it’s also true that no matter what our fundamental Tendency, a small part of each of us is Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, and Rebel.

  All of us meet an expectation when we don’t want to bear the consequences of ignoring it. The Rebel wears his seat belt after he pays a few big fines.

  All of us may question why we should have to meet an expectation, or become annoyed by inefficiency, or refuse to do something that seems arbitrary.

  We all meet some expectations because they’re important to someone else. The most determined Upholder will sacrifice her regular Monday-morning meeting if her child is recovering from surgery.

  And whatever our Tendency, we share a desire for autonomy. We prefer to be asked rather than ordered to do something, and if our feeling of being controlled by others becomes too strong, it can trigger “reactance,” a resistance to something that’s experienced as a threat to our freedom or our ability to choose.

  After I’d described the Four Tendencies at a conference, a guy walked up to me and said, “I think everyone should be able to drive at whatever speed they think is safe, so I must be a Questioner!”

  I smiled, but the fact is, it’s not a simple matter of “I ignore the speed limit, so I’m a Questioner,” or “I refuse to wash dishes, therefore I’m a Rebel,” or “I love to-do lists, so I’m an Upholder.” To identify our Tendency, we must consider many examples of our behavior and our reasons for our behaviors. For example, a Questioner and a Rebel might both reject an expectation, but the Questioner thinks, “I won’t do it because it doesn’t make sense,” while the Rebel thinks, “I won’t do it because you can’t tell me what to do.”

  I’ve learned that while each of the Four Tendencies poses its difficulties, people find the Obliger and the Rebel Tendencies the most challenging—whether as a member of that Tendency themselves or dealing with that Tendency in others. (Which is why the Obliger and Rebel sections in this book are longer than the Upholder and Questioner sections.)

  Many people try to map the Four Tendencies against other personality frameworks, such as the Big Five personality traits, StrengthsFinder, the Enneagram, Myers-Briggs, VIA—even onto the four houses of Hogwarts.

  I’m fascinated by any scheme that helps me to understand human nature, but I think it’s a mistake to try to say that “this” equals “that.” Each framework captures a certain insight, and that insight would be lost if all of the systems were dumped together. No single system can capture human nature in all of its depth and variety.

  Also, I think that many personality frameworks cram too many elements into their categories. By contrast, the Four Tendencies describes only one narrow aspect of a person’s character—a vitally important aspect, but still just one of the multitude of qualities that form an individual. The Four Tendencies explain why we act and why we don’t act.

  Why It’s Helpful to Identify Our Own Tendency

  When I describe the Four Tendencies, I sometimes get the impression that people try to figure out the “best” Tendency and shoehorn themselves into it. But there’s no best or worst Tendency. The happiest, healthiest, most productive people aren’t those from a particular Tendency, but rather they’re the people who have figured out how to harness the strengths of their Tendency, counteract the weaknesses, and build the lives that work for them.

  With wisdom, experience, and self-knowledge from the Four Tendencies, we can use our time more productively, make better decisions, suffer less stress, get healthier, and engage more effectively with other people.

  If we don’t understand our place in the Four Tendencies, however, we may fail to pinpoint the aspects of a particular situation that’s causing us to succeed or fail. For instance, a literary agent told me, “I represent a journalist who did excellent work at a newspaper. No trouble with deadlines, great work ethic. But now he’s on leave from the paper to write a book, and he’s got writer’s block.”

  “I bet it’s not writer’s block. He’s probably an Obliger,” I said. “He had no trouble working when he had to meet frequent deadlines. But with a distant deadline and little supervision, he can’t work. He should ask his editor to check in with him every week, or join a writers’ group, or you could ask him to submit pages to you every month. Just some system of external accountability.”

  Also, if we don’t understand the Four Tendencies, we may have unrealistic assumptions of how people may change. One woman wrote, “My husband is a Rebel. I feel frustrated thinking that this is actually his character and that he’ll never change. Is it possible that a Rebel is just someone who hasn’t ‘grown up’ and realized that the world doesn’t run on doing only what you ‘feel like’ doing at the moment? And that he will eventually change his attitude?” I didn’t want to say it bluntly in my response, but gosh, no, at this point I don’t think he’ll change.

  People often ask me, “Should your Tendency determine your choice of career?” Every Tendency could find a fit with just about every job, but it’s interesting to think about how career and Tendency might interact. For instance, I know a professional dog trainer who is an Upholder, and he brings an Upholder spirit to it. But I can imagine how Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels could also do that work.

  Even if people from each Tendency could pursue any career, however, that doesn’t mean they should. The Four Tendencies can help us identify why we might enjoy certain kinds of work more—or less. One reader wrote, “Now I see why I hate my job. I am 100% Questioner, and also a tax accountant. I don’t care about keeping up with the details of what’s ultimately a large set of arbitrary rules that make no sense, and this has been a major hurdle in my success and happiness at work.”

  Knowing our own Tendency can allow us to show ourselves more compassion by realizing, “Hey, I’m this type of person, and there’s nothing wrong with me. I can make the best of it.” As one Upholder wrote, “My parents always told me to loosen up, my late husband always told me to loosen up, now my daughter tells me to loosen up. But now I know I’m much happier when I follow the rules that I’ve set for myself.”

  One Rebel explained:

  Realizing that I’m a Rebel revealed why years of therapy failed. We’d analyzed my dearth of discipline, tried and rejected techniques that backfired (accountability? ha). It’s not just that some techniques don’t work for Rebels. It’s that we’re told (and often believe) that something is deeply wrong with us. An otherwise high-functioning, highly successful grown-up who still struggles to pay bills, complete projects, and follow through on, well, anything? Who struggles to meet everyone’s expectations—even our own? That’s not merely unusual; in today’s world, it sounds downright pathological. But your framework assures us it’s not. It’s been freeing to focus on what works for me rather than what’s wrong with me.

  An Obliger wrote:

  As a TV writer, I’ve struggled miserably with my inability to stick to any kind of personal deadline, yet I’ve always been a dutiful employee who submits scripts on time to my boss. I’ve given this tendency many names: laziness, being irresponsible, being a child in grown-up clothes, and many terms that wouldn’t get past your spam filter. By giving me a new name—Obliger—you’ve given me a way to accept myself. I can put the self-loathing aside and concentrate on devising clever ways to trick myself into doing stuff. It’s already made me more productive, but more importantly, it’s made me much happier.

  When we recognize our Tendency, we can tweak
situations to boost our chances of success. It’s practically impossible to change our own nature, but it’s fairly easy to change our circumstances in a way that suits our Tendency—whether by striving for more clarity, justification, accountability, or freedom. Insight about our Tendency allows us to create the situations in which we’ll thrive.

  Why It’s Helpful to Identify Others’ Tendencies

  On the flip side, when we understand others’ Tendencies, we’re more tolerant of them. For one thing, we see that a person’s behavior isn’t aimed at us personally. That Questioner isn’t asking questions to undermine the boss or challenge the professor’s authority; the Questioner always has questions. A reader wrote, “I’ve lived with a Rebel for the past seven years. It’s comforting to know that his way of being is as natural for him as being an Obliger is for me.”

  Knowing other people’s Tendencies also makes it much easier to persuade them, to encourage them, and to avoid conflict. If we don’t consider a person’s Tendency, our words may be ineffective or even counterproductive. The fact is, if we want to communicate, we must speak the right language—not the message that would work most effectively with us, but the message that will persuade the listener. When we take into account the Four Tendencies, we can tailor our arguments to appeal to different values.

  On the other hand, when we ignore the Tendencies, we lower our chances of success. The more an Upholder lectures a Rebel, the more the Rebel will want to resist. A Questioner may provide an Obliger with several sound reasons for taking an action, but those logical arguments don’t matter much to an Obliger; external accountability is the key for an Obliger.

  A reader sent me this hilarious list of lightbulb jokes that captures the distinctions among the Tendencies:

  How do you get an Upholder to change a lightbulb?

  Answer: He’s already changed it.

  How do you get a Questioner to change a lightbulb?

  Answer: Why do we need that lightbulb anyway?

  How do you get an Obliger to change a lightbulb?

  Answer: Ask him to change it.

  How do you get a Rebel to change a lightbulb?

  Answer: Do it yourself.

  A Questioner nutritionist told me, “My goal is to improve the way people eat in this country. I’m writing a book to explain how cultural and economic systems shape the way people eat.” She firmly believed that if her book presented the arguments in a sufficiently logical way, people across the country would change their eating habits. Questioner!

  But to communicate effectively, we must reach people through their Tendency, not our own. That’s true for doctors, professors, coaches, bosses, spouses, parents, coworkers, teachers, neighbors, or people in any walk of life who want to persuade others to do what they want—in other words, it’s true for all of us.

  Even for messages meant for a wide audience, it’s possible to convey information to strike a chord with every Tendency. I heard a creative example one afternoon when I spoke about the Four Tendencies at a business conference. Before introducing me, the group’s head had explained, at considerable length, why it was important that participants show up on time, in the right place, for the rest of the weekend’s conference activities.

  After I gave my talk, I was delighted to hear him aim his reminders at each of the Four Tendencies. He said, “To you Upholders, thanks in advance for cooperating with my request for promptness. Questioners, I gave you a bunch of reasons for why you need to show up on time at all the meetings. To you Obligers, I’m watching you, and I’m counting on you to be there promptly. Rebels, save it for the bar later.” Exactly!

  Even the vocabulary we choose may resonate differently among the different Tendencies. A Rebel child might respond better if asked, “Do you feel like playing the piano now?” while an Upholder child would be happy to be reminded, “Time to practice the piano.”

  Just in the area of health, people’s failure to listen to their doctors carries a huge cost. Poor diet, inactivity, alcohol and prescription drug abuse, and smoking are among the leading causes of illness and death in the United States—all behaviors that are within our conscious control. When we take people’s Tendencies into account, we’re more likely successfully to persuade them to cut back on sugar, go for a twenty-minute walk, do their rehab exercises, give up booze, or take their medications.

  But it’s important to remember that the Four Tendencies framework is meant to help us understand ourselves more deeply, not to limit our sense of identity or possibility. Some people say, “When you define yourself, you confine yourself.” I think systems of self-definition are very helpful—because they serve as a starting point for self-knowledge. The Four Tendencies framework isn’t meant to be a box that cramps our growth or a label that determines everything about us, but rather a spotlight that can illuminate hidden aspects of our nature.

  When we understand ourselves and how our Tendency shapes our perspective on the world, we can adapt our circumstances to suit our own nature—and when we understand how other people’s Tendencies shape their perspectives, we can engage with them more effectively.

  With the Four Tendencies, we see how a subtle shift in vocabulary, or a quick conversation, or a minor change in procedure can be enough to change a person’s entire course of action. And that matters. If this patient takes his blood-pressure medication regularly, he’ll live longer. If this student completes her professor’s assignments, she won’t fail the course. If this husband and wife can speak to each other calmly, their marriage will last. And if I stop sending out work emails over the weekend, I won’t annoy the people with whom I work.

  One of the big daily challenges of life is: “How do I get people—including myself—to do what I want?” The Four Tendencies makes this task much, much easier.

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  Identify Your Tendency

  Take the Four Tendencies Quiz

  Of all the tasks which are set before man in life, the education and management of his character is the most important, and…it is necessary that he should make a calm and careful survey of his own tendencies, unblinded either by the self-deception which conceals errors and magnifies excellences, or by the indiscriminate pessimism which refuses to recognise his powers for good. He must avoid the fatalism which would persuade him that he has no power over his nature, and he must also clearly recognise that this power is not unlimited.

  —William Edward Hartpole Lecky, The Map of Life

  To identify your Tendency, take the quiz below or go to happiercast.com/quiz.

  As you take the quiz, choose the answer that seems most generally true for you; don’t search for exceptions to the rule or focus on one specific area of your life.

  Getting the same number of answers for two Tendencies does not mean that you’re a mix of those two Tendencies. Choose the one that more accurately describes you.

  You’re the best judge of yourself. If you believe that a different Tendency describes you better, trust yourself.

  1. Have you kept a New Year’s resolution where you weren’t accountable to anyone—a resolution like drinking more water or keeping a journal?

  a) Yes. I’m good at keeping New Year’s resolutions, even the ones that no one knows about but me.

  b) I’m good at keeping resolutions, but I make them whenever the time seems right. I wouldn’t wait for the New Year; January 1 is an arbitrary date.

  c) I’ve had trouble with that kind of resolution, so I’m not inclined to make one. When I’m only helping myself, I often struggle.

  d) No. I hate to bind myself in any way.

  2. Which statement best describes your view about your commitments to yourself?

  a) I make a commitment to myself only if I’m convinced that it really makes good sense to do it.

  b) If someone else is holding me accountable for my commitments, I’ll meet them—but if no one knows except me, I struggle.

  c) I bind myself as little as possible.

  d) I take my commitments to mysel
f as seriously as my commitments to other people.

  3. At times, we feel frustrated by ourselves. Are you most likely to feel frustrated because…

  a) My constant need for more information exhausts me.

  b) As soon as I’m expected to do something, I don’t want to do it.

  c) I can take time for other people, but I can’t take time for myself.

  d) I can’t take a break from my usual habits, or violate the rules, even when I want to.

  4. When you’ve formed a healthy habit in the past, what helped you stick to it?

  a) I’ve found it pretty easy to stick to habits, even when no one else cares.

  b) I did a lot of research and customization about why and how I might keep that habit.

  c) I could stick to a good habit only when I was answerable to someone else.

  d) Usually I don’t choose to bind myself in advance.

  5. If people complain about your behavior, you’d be least surprised to hear them say…

  a) You follow your good habits, ones that matter only to you, even when it’s inconvenient for someone else.

  b) You ask too many questions.

  c) You’re good at taking time when others ask you to do something, but you’re not good at taking time for yourself.

  d) You only do what you want to do, when you want to do it.