The Four Tendencies Read online

  Because it can be tough to find a reliable accountability partner among friends and family, Obligers may do better with a professional. For instance, coaches—career coaches, health coaches, life coaches—can provide the crucial accountability by setting concrete goals, establishing deadlines, and looking over their clients’ shoulders. They’re paid to do this, so they don’t flake out. This costs money, of course, but it may also be the key to unleashing an Obliger’s potential.

  Accountability Groups

  People who don’t want to pay for a professional or rely on a single accountability partner can join or start an accountability group. An accountability group might be made up of friends, family members, coworkers, or strangers brought together by a common desire to hold one another accountable. As Alcoholics Anonymous, Weight Watchers, law school study groups, and Happiness Project groups demonstrate, we give and get accountability, as well as energy and ideas, from meeting with like-directed people.

  For many Obligers, face-to-face interactions work best, but when that’s not practical, technology can be an important tool. A myriad of platforms, apps, and groups exist to help people hold one another accountable—including my own Better app, which is designed to make it easy to form accountability groups of all kinds. Virtual accountability is less intense but more convenient.

  Obligers need to take care when forming an accountability group. As one Obliger told me, “Before realizing I was an Obliger, I often ended up doing more than my share of the work running groups and holding groups together. I got burned out, went into Obliger-Rebellion mode. People from other Tendencies have different reasons for joining groups, and Obligers need to be careful about who we form groups with.”

  A Client, Customer, or Employee

  Clients and customers impose accountability by the very nature of the relationship. An Obliger told me, “I’d been putting off creating an online training course to accompany my podcast on self-publishing. In my latest episode, I offered a free copy of the training course, when it’s ready, to the first 25 listeners who sign up. Because people have signed up, I actually have to create the course.”

  Similarly, an Obliger explained, “I didn’t invite people over because my apartment wasn’t clean. So I decided to invite friends over, and I was able to clean it. I was aware of this pattern before I read your book, but I thought of it as ‘shame motivation.’ I like your term of ‘external accountability’ much better.”

  A friend told me that her Obliger mother got herself to exercise by becoming a fitness instructor; I’ve spoken to many such Obligers who sought a paid or volunteer job as an accountability strategy.

  On the flip side, an Obliger can hire an employee to create accountability. “I use a ‘hire a teenager’ strategy for cleaning out the storage area, dealing with overdue yard work, and so on,” an Obliger told me. “Hiring someone makes me set a date and time, I’m less likely to cancel with someone I’ve hired than I would be with my family, and paying someone makes me get serious.”

  Benefit to Others

  Obligers can often do things for others that they can’t do for themselves, so an Obliger may be able to meet an aim by thinking of its benefit to other people instead of its personal value. For instance, many Obligers have told me that they were able to leave a bad marriage only after they realized that they had to protect their kids.

  An Obliger wrote, “I’m the controller of a company, and to create accountability, I tie my personal commitments to my commitment to work: if I get enough sleep, I work better; if I exercise, I have more energy and spend less time at the chiropractor.”

  Another Obliger told me, “Even though it should grate against my feminist sensibilities, I pack my boyfriend (and myself incidentally) a lunch every day because I’d never maintain the habit if he weren’t counting on me.”

  Obligers can meet an expectation if it’s tied to their duty to be a good role model. An Obliger had a creative solution: “I’ve made a family rule that when I’m at home, whenever I look at my phone, my kids can look at their phones.”

  Obligers have come up with ingenious ways to benefit others—for their own benefit. One Obliger told me, “My wife loves to exercise. I don’t like it. So we agreed that she can’t exercise unless I’ve exercised the day before. I’d feel guilty if I deprived her of it.” Another explained: “My sister-in-law and I made a list of healthy habits we want to cultivate. If we both stick with the plan, we’ll earn a spa day. The catch is that since we’re Obligers, we earn the spa day for each other. If I don’t follow through, she won’t get her spa day—and vice versa. We’d let ourselves down, but we’d never let each other down.”

  Sometimes Obligers use the future to create their sense of accountability. For a long time, I was puzzled when people told me things like “I’m keeping this journal for my kids, after I’m gone” or “I’m maintaining this garden as a legacy for my kids”—because I figured that those kids won’t want to read fifteen years’ worth of their father’s journals, and they’ll never live in that house with the big garden. But now I realize that this doing-it-for-my-kids strategy can help Obligers accomplish something worthwhile.

  Many Obligers struggle to say no even when they’re feeling very burdened by expectations. To overcome this reluctance, Obligers can remind themselves that saying no to one person allows them to say yes to someone else. “My team always wanted to work late,” a friend told me, “and I didn’t want to let them down. But we had a family discussion about how we want to eat dinner together. Now I can say no to the team, because otherwise I’ll be disappointing my wife and kids.”

  Another Obliger, a highly regarded professor, accepted too many speaking engagements, until one day he thought, “If I turn down the keynote talk, I’ll give someone else the chance to speak.” That thought allowed him to decline some speaking requests.

  As an Upholder, when I hear someone say, “I realized I need to do this so I can be a better parent/employee/friend,” I think, “No, do it for yourself!” But for Obligers, doing something for other people helps them do it for themselves.

  Oher Creative Accountability Devices

  I’ve been astonished by the creativity shown by Obligers seeking accountability. After a book talk, a young man told me, “I exercise with a buddy, and after every workout, we each leave with one of the other person’s sneakers. That way, if I don’t show up, he can’t work out.” My very favorite accountability device came from the Obliger who told me, “I wanted to get up earlier, but I live alone. So I created an embarrassing Facebook post and use Hootsuite to set it to post every morning at 8:00 a.m. unless I get up ahead of time to disable it.”

  No matter what kind of a task that an Obliger wants to meet, and no matter what individual temperament an Obliger may have, there’s some way to create outer accountability. As one music teacher wrote me, “I have many suggestions to help my Obliger music students practice consistently: join a band or an orchestra (especially effective if the student has a special role, such as the bass clarinet in a quartet); become a mentor for a younger musician; organize practice sessions in pairs, where a failure to show up will hurt a fellow student; or make a pact with a loved one that that person can’t do some desirable activity unless the Obliger has practiced.”

  It’s worth repeating, yet again: To meet inner expectations, Obligers must find some source of outer accountability.

  Consider the example of William Shawn, The New Yorker’s legendary editor. In Lillian Ross’s memoir Here But Not Here, Shawn clearly emerges as an Obliger.

  Shawn was a powerful, well-regarded editor who lived with his wife and three children, and for forty years, with his wife’s knowledge, he also had a home with Ross.

  Shawn would appear to be someone who had exactly the life he wanted. However, Ross writes that Shawn felt trapped in his role as editor—he wanted to do his own writing—but felt he had to stay in his job because: “There was no one else who could have kept the magazine alive…I could not abandon a
ll those people.” Occasionally he told Ross, “It’s someone else’s life that I have lived.” Although Shawn and Ross had a passionate relationship, he split his life between the two households. Ross writes, “I agreed that he could not leave Cecille…Cecille wanted him to be sitting there no matter what.”

  So how might Obliger Shawn have built the life he wanted? If he’d signed a book deal with an editor, he would’ve had deadlines and accountability, and he might have done his own writing. If he’d told himself, “I should give my editors the opportunity to prove themselves,” he might have delegated some magazine responsibilities. If he’d said to Ross, “You need to help me end my marriage,” they could have done it—together.

  When Outer Accountability Disappears

  On the subject of outer accountability, I’ve often read the argument that authoritarian institutions, such as the military, dismantle people’s inner architecture of self-command. For instance, in his autobiography World Within World, poet Stephen Spender observed, “As with most soldiers, the army had disciplined him at the price of breaking down any power of self-discipline which he might once have possessed. Outside the Army he seemed lacking in will and purpose, because these had been forced upon him by punishments and drills.”

  But I think Spender misunderstands the dynamic. I suspect that when an institution supplies a lot of external accountability, it doesn’t break down Obligers’ self-discipline; it simply makes it unnecessary for Obligers to develop their own personal systems of external accountability. In ordinary life, many Obligers realize they need accountability in order to succeed. But when an institution supplies outer accountability, the Obligers don’t need to do it for themselves—and when they’re released from that institution’s expectations, they often struggle.

  Being set free from well-established outer expectations—established by a corporate job, training program, religious order, or school—can be risky for Obligers. They might be perfectly productive, with healthy habits, when they’re in an environment that supplies external accountability, but then become paralyzed—without really understanding why—when those expectations disappear. An Obliger wrote, “In my former job, I led a big team. I was known as the guy who could get anything done. But once I struck out on my own, with no employees to be responsible for, I started having problems with follow-through.”

  Along the same lines, a friend who works in education told me, “Some charter schools tell the kids exactly what to do—what to wear, how to work, how to spend their time. And some kids do great in that environment but fall apart when they go to college.”

  “There are probably lots of factors,” I said, “but I wonder if one problem is that Obliger kids get the accountability they need until they get to college, where it can feel like no one cares what you’re doing.”

  Or an Obliger might do fine in college but drift after graduation. Plans like “In the fall, I’ll apply to med school,” “I’ll send out résumés,” “I’ll write a novel,” or “I’ll apply for a grant” may come to nothing with no classes to attend, papers to complete, grades to earn, or professors to please.

  Similarly, an Obliger who quits a full-time job to work on an entrepreneurial venture may stall out, or an Obliger between jobs can get stuck, or an Obliger who becomes an empty-nester may feel lost.

  The solution? External accountability.

  How Obligers Can Manage the Pros and Cons of the Tendency

  Some Obligers embrace the Obliger Tendency; they see it as a virtue and a strength.

  For instance, many Obligers characterize their behavior as “client first”—a reason for pride. An Obliger told me decisively: “I’m there for my clients, no matter what. That gives me my edge. That’s the way I am, that’s the way I want to be, and that’s the attitude I want from the people who work for me.” Another agreed, “I’m a great ‘gun for hire.’ I consider my responsibilities toward the company, my colleagues, and our clients as pretty holy and definitely above and beyond my own needs.”

  This attitude may prevail at work and also at home. Many Obligers have told me, again with great satisfaction, “The needs of my family come first, always.”

  Certainly many religious teachings emphasize the Obliger way.

  But while some Obligers appreciate their Tendency, it’s also true that Obligers are more likely than Upholders, Questioners, or Rebels to say that they wish they belonged to a different Tendency. Why?

  With the other three Tendencies, much of the frustration they create falls on others, not themselves. People may get annoyed by stickler Upholders, or interrogator Questioners, or maverick Rebels—but that’s their problem. With Obligers, it’s the Obligers themselves who bear the brunt of the downsides of their Tendency. They’re often vexed by the fact that they can meet others’ expectations but not their expectations for themselves.

  One Obliger wrote, “I have no trouble getting my work done for my job, and I’m a great friend who’s always willing to help, but at the end of the day, I often ask: ‘What did you do today to help make your dreams come true?’ And, unfortunately, the answer is often a big fat ‘Nothing.’ ”

  Sometimes, when I point out to Obligers that external accountability is the key to meeting inner expectations, they aren’t relieved to discover a straightforward solution; instead, they resent being dependent on a system of outer accountability.

  When I was giving a talk about the Four Tendencies, an Obliger asked, “Can’t an Obliger become an Upholder? I want to hold myself to my own expectations, I don’t want to depend on outer accountability. That feels weak.”

  “Well,” I said gingerly, “it seems to me that it’s very hard to change a fundamental aspect of your nature—if it’s even possible at all. But it’s very easy to figure out ways to give yourself external accountability. So why not take the easy way?”

  Rather than focus on the downside of the Obliger Tendency, Obligers can find ways to counterbalance it through accountability.

  Different Obligers interpret their same actions in different ways; it all depends on their perspective. One Obliger says, “Well, I’m twenty pounds overweight, and I never exercise, and I really should go to the dentist, but I never let anything slide in the office, and I’m a great husband and a great father who’s always there for my family. I feel good about myself.” Another says, “Well, I never let anything slide in the office, and I’m a great wife and a great mother who’s always there for my family, but I’m twenty pounds overweight, and I never exercise, and I really should go to the dentist. I feel bad about myself.”

  But whether they embrace or regret their Obliger Tendency, Obligers often misinterpret their patterns of behavior. Even when they grasp that they’re meeting outer expectations and failing to meet inner expectations, they misdiagnose the reason.

  Some Obligers chalk it up to dedication and intensity. “I can’t do something for myself if there’s something I could be doing for my clients—and there’s always something I can be doing for my clients.”

  Some Obligers take great macho pride in the lengths to which they’ll go to meet expectations. A reader told me about her Obliger boss, “Her doctor told her to stay in the hospital, but she left after spine surgery to attend a work dinner. She’s always doing things like that.”

  Other Obligers attribute their behavior to self-sacrifice. “I always meet other people’s priorities at the expense of my own priorities,” “I can’t take time for myself,” “People tell me I should be more selfish.”

  Or Obligers may assume their behavior is due to low self-esteem, or lack of motivation, or because of some character flaw.

  A friend who was procrastinating about taking course work needed to advance his career said, “I’m lazy, that’s my problem.”

  “That’s not true!” I protested. “You meet every work deadline. You’re in a running club. Right?”

  “Well, right,” he admitted reluctantly.

  “Your problem can’t be laziness. It’s something else.”
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  The Obliger pattern is not an issue of self-sacrifice, self-esteem, boundaries, motivation, people-pleasing, or discipline, but rather—and I repeat it yet again—an issue of external accountability.

  Because Obligers often misunderstand the patterns of Obliger behavior, they’re prone to a common, sometimes serious mistake. Obligers expect that if they could only free themselves from some burdensome outer expectation—for instance, by leaving a demanding job—they’d then find it easy to meet their expectations for themselves.

  Warning! In most cases, without the addition of some sort of external accountability, the absence of external expectations doesn’t help Obligers meet their inner expectations. As one Obliger told me, “Trying to clear space in your life for your own goals doesn’t work for an Obliger. I made that mistake for years.”

  It’s crucial that Obligers recognize this need for outer accountability; otherwise they may make major life changes in the hope of meeting inner expectations—which then doesn’t happen. For instance, a reader wrote on my blog:

  I have a Ph.D. (thanks to my many Obliger qualities), but I was so burned out by five years of writing about stuff that mattered lots to others and nothing to me, that I decided to take some time for myself and for my goals. Mainly, I wanted to lose weight, write my second book, start a blog, do a relief project, and complete the renovations on my house. So far, the book has not been started, neither has the blog, I’ve gained fourteen pounds, and I’ve given up on doing the relief project anytime soon. However, the house project is actually moving along quite nicely, because I know how happy it makes my husband to see it progress.

  Another Obliger posted his strikingly similar postretirement experience:

  After a twenty-five-year career of successful public service, plus raising two daughters with my wife, I was really looking forward to retirement. Finally, an opportunity to pursue my own interests and activities. I even sacrificed some retirement income in exchange for retiring five years early.