The Four Tendencies Page 12

  But while Obliger-rebellion sometimes makes it harder for Obligers to be healthy, happy, and successful, Obliger-rebellion is also an important form of self-protection. Obliger-rebellion can act as a vital emergency escape hatch; it allows the Obliger to break free from that hated job, unbearable spouse, difficult relationship, or burdensome obligation. Obliger-rebellion is the safety valve that relieves the excessive pressure that’s crushing the Obliger.

  Usually, after some time passes, the spell of Obliger-rebellion lifts, even if nothing much has changed. Better, however, to safeguard against Obliger-rebellion, by helping Obligers avoid burnout and resentment in the first place.

  So what can be done about Obliger-rebellion?

  Once Obligers recognize this behavior pattern, they can take steps to relieve the pressure by watching for signs that resentment is building and then saying something about it: “Can we take a look to see how the extra shifts are being distributed?” “I’m already on three committees,” “One person can’t manage both kids’ schedules this weekend, so we need to divvy things up.”

  Because Obligers are so susceptible to burnout, the people around Obligers—family, friends, colleagues, health-care professionals, and so on—all have a role to play in helping them to avoid that state. We can set up systems that encourage them to say no, delegate, take breaks, turn down requests, make time for themselves, and so on. One Questioner wrote:

  My fiancé is an Obliger, and often it feels like we do a lot of the things I’d like to do and not much that he’d like to do. Lately, to make things more fair, on Saturday mornings we each sit down and list the three to five things we’d like to accomplish during the weekend. Then we make it our goal to get all of it accomplished. He now expresses what he wants to do, and we’ve created accountability for him, because I ask about his list.

  Once Obligers slide into Obliger-rebellion, they need relief from expectations, but paradoxically, they may need external expectations to get that relief. A manager who sees that an Obliger is overburdened might remove a responsibility from that Obliger’s portfolio or reprimand coworkers for dumping too much work on the Obliger.

  Because it can be so dramatic, Obliger-rebellion shows up frequently in fiction and movies—the most famous example is probably the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life. George Bailey (James Stewart) is an Obliger who, at every juncture, meets outer expectations but not inner expectations. Significantly, when George finally drops into Obliger-rebellion, it’s aimed at himself—in this case, he almost throws himself off a bridge. But, sadly, most Obligers don’t have an angel like Clarence to help them. George Bailey also illustrates a common Obliger pattern of believing that he must personally meet a certain expectation. Why shouldn’t George’s younger brother, Harry, take his turn running the Bailey Building & Loan, as agreed—or if Harry didn’t want to do it, why wasn’t that Harry’s problem to solve?

  SUMMARY: OBLIGER

  LIKELY STRENGTHS:

  Good boss, responsive leader, team player

  Feels great obligation to meet others’ expectations

  Responsible

  Willing to go the extra mile

  Responds to outer accountability

  POSSIBLE WEAKNESSES:

  Susceptible to overwork and burnout

  May show the destructive pattern of Obliger-rebellion

  Exploitable

  May become resentful

  Has trouble saying no or imposing limits

  8

  Dealing with an Obliger

  “Say yes to less”

  Work • Spouse • Child • Health Client • Choosing a Career

  Dealing with an Obliger at Work

  In many cases, Obligers make excellent colleagues and bosses. They follow through, they pitch in when other people need help, they volunteer for optional assignments, they’re flexible when things need to change.

  Obligers respond to the expectations that work situations almost inevitably supply—with deadlines, evaluations, and deliverables. In the rarer case where accountability doesn’t appear naturally, it’s crucial to supply it. Vague exhortations to get something done often have no effect.

  A writer friend, an Obliger, recalled: “When I signed the contract to write a memoir, I told my editor, ‘I can only write when I have to turn in something. Please give me some fake deadlines along the way.’ But he said, ‘Don’t worry, the book will be great, you’ll get it done, blah, blah.’ He just kept being so understanding.”

  “What happened?” I asked.

  “I wrote the whole thing the three weeks before it was due. It could’ve been so much better if I’d started earlier.”

  Out of misguided consideration, the editor had refused to provide accountability. If he’d understood that this writer was an Obliger, he could’ve taken a different approach.

  When people request accountability in any context, they should get it; people ask for it because they know they need it. One Obliger told me, “I told my supervisor that I need a tough, demanding boss. I get more done, I do better work.”

  Because Obligers put such a high value on meeting outer expectations, others may take advantage of them, and if they feel exploited and overworked, Obligers may fall into Obliger-rebellion, which is tough for managers and supervisors to handle. One Obliger said:

  I’m a nurse, and my unit has constant staffing issues with sick calls, busy shifts, etc. I’ve been there three years, and my boss senses those of us who are Obligers and abuses us by constantly asking us to pick up extra shifts. It’s very frustrating, because several nurses who are always “out sick” are posting on Facebook all day long while we’re working. For a long time, I did help the unit, but it led to personal burnout, and now I’m in a full-scale rebellion and always say no.

  As this example illustrates, Obligers often struggle to say no, until they say a big NO, which can be a real problem.

  Because Obligers are often very valuable employees, it’s crucial that managers watch out for Obligers, to make sure to ward off Obliger-rebellion, so that a valuable employee doesn’t get fed up and quit without notice.

  To avoid an Obliger-rebellion, a boss, employee, or coworker can help Obligers establish limits and boundaries:

  —Remind the Obliger that saying no allows him or her to say yes to work that’s more important: “I need your report on Friday, and if you keep getting dragged into other people’s meetings, you’ll miss the deadline.”

  —Enforce limits to prevent burnout and Obliger-rebellion: “You’re entitled to a vacation, and I’m going to make sure you take it.”

  —Stop others from exploiting the Obliger: “We’re all up against the deadline, so everyone on this team needs to do his or her own final edits.”

  —Point to the Obliger’s duty as a role model: “If you stay until 9:00 p.m., you set a bad example for your staff.”

  —Take work away from the Obliger, if the Obliger has taken on too much: A friend who heads a finance firm told me, “I have a very valuable employee—he’s the best. Everyone wants to work with him, because he makes people look good, but he can’t keep saying yes to everyone. It’s not sustainable. At his last review, I said, ‘You’re doing too much work, too well, and I mean that as a sincere criticism.’ He couldn’t delegate, he couldn’t step back. So we took him off a big account, and he’s doing much better.”

  Obligers often make terrific bosses and great, even visionary leaders, because they feel such obligation to their organization; they’re responsive and responsible. As with people in all the Tendencies, however, they may struggle to understand the thinking of those who don’t share their Tendency. One Obliger wrote: “I’m an Obliger, and as a manager, I find it hard when people say no to me or question everything.” It’s challenging to manage people who are different from ourselves—and the first step is to acknowledge that difference.

  The instinct to meet outer expectations may get Obliger bosses into trouble. One Upholder friend told me of his frustratio
n at a new job. “My boss is clearly an extreme Obliger,” he told me. “She’s the CEO, but she drops everything to help a client or an employee, and it’s draining our productivity. Nothing gets done.”

  Obligers face particular challenges when they want to work solo. They may be superbly productive at the office, but when they try to go out on their own, they may stall out, because of the lack of outer accountability. So, if Obligers want to start their own business, they must establish, from the very beginning, a system of accountability. Accountability can come from a business coach, from a mentor, from customers, clients, or students (even if they aren’t paying—yet), or from a group on the Better app—it doesn’t matter, but that accountability must come from somewhere.

  Once established as entrepreneurs, Obligers may find it easy to meet the external commitments of their work—meeting client deadlines, filing taxes, answering the phone—yet struggle with inner-generated tasks, such as networking, building the business, or saying no to requests that waste their time or to clients who are overly demanding. As always, the solution is to find external systems of deadlines and boundaries.

  Dealing with an Obliger Spouse

  Obligers make great spouses because they put so much value in meeting others’ expectations. It’s important that their spouses recognize Obliger patterns, however.

  For instance, if an Obliger asks a spouse to act as an accountability partner, the spouse should provide that accountability or figure out another way to supply it. One Obliger explained, “I work out every day by getting my husband to ask me about it when he gets home. He’s superencouraging if I don’t, so I feel more driven to do it the next day. Health is important to him, so this makes me follow through. It’s crazy, because even though I’ve set this up, I feel the urge to conquer the task, just because he asks.”

  Husbands and wives also have a role to play in helping their spouses to ward off Obliger burnout and Obliger-rebellion by providing the external accountability needed to limit the Obligers’ sense of obligation. “You need a nap. For my sake, please go lie down.”

  One Obliger said, “My husband offers to watch the kids so that I can go to a Spin class that I love on Saturday mornings, but somehow I just can’t get myself to go.” Her husband could help by saying, “Don’t you want to set a good example for the kids by sticking to your healthy commitment?” Or: “It’s nice for me and the kids to have this special time together each week.” Appeals to Obliger values help Obligers follow through.

  One podcast listener wrote:

  Knowing my husband is an Obliger has been a real revelation. It’s great because he’s so kind, but I’ve realized I need to “protect” his personal commitments. If I ask, he would easily drop a personal commitment to help me. I need to look out for him so he doesn’t drop anything too important. His former wife took advantage of his obliging nature, so I tend to set boundaries for him.

  By “setting boundaries” for her husband—helping him to say no (even to her) and preventing others from exploiting him—this wife helps to thwart possible Obliger-rebellion in her husband. The people around Obligers can help ward off Obliger-rebellion by anticipating it. If one spouse goes on a long business trip and leaves an Obliger spouse in charge of three kids, that spouse would be wise to say something like “You’ve been the solo parent, and I so appreciate everything you’ve done. I want you to take the weekend to get reenergized—you do your own thing, and I’ll take care of the kids.”

  Because Obligers feel such pressure to meet external expectations, their spouses should be careful not to make offhand comments that might prove burdensome. A wife might say in passing to her Obliger husband, “Maybe you should coach Little League.” Bam!

  Dealing with an Obliger Child

  In my observation, it’s often difficult to tell if a child is an Obliger or not. Upholders and Rebels are very extreme personalities and tend to show up fairly early, but children aren’t autonomous in the way that adults are, and adults control children’s lives to a very great extent—so it can be hard to pinpoint Obliger characteristics.

  When it is clear that a child is an Obliger, a parent can take that Tendency into account. Obliger children—like all Obligers—respond to accountability. If an Obliger child is supposed to practice the piano, it would be helpful to keep a chart of practice times, which the teacher or parents would review with the child. Gentle reminders help, too: “It’s 4:00, time to practice.” Or the teacher should explain, “I can tell if you’ve been practicing or not.”

  If an Obliger child wants to meet an inner expectation, parents should help him or her to figure out a system of external accountability to reinforce follow-through. One parent recalled, “My daughter wanted to teach our puppy a bunch of tricks. So I said, ‘Great! Let’s enter you in the 4-H dog show at the state fair this year.’ ”

  However, beware of setting expectations too high—“Great! Let’s enter you in the 4-H dog show. I’m sure you and Barnaby can win the blue ribbon!”—because the child may feel great pressure to meet them, which can lead to Obliger-rebellion.

  Even more important, however, is to make sure that Obliger children don’t work so hard to please others (including their parents) that they get overwhelmed, or that they lose sight of what makes them feel happy and fulfilled.

  As in all contexts, when people ask for accountability, it’s important that they get accountability. After I spoke at an event, a woman told me, “My daughter kept telling me, ‘I want to take the GRE, I need to take a class.’ And I kept answering, ‘Nonsense, you can buy the GRE books and study on your own.’ But now I realize, she’s right, she should take the class.”

  People who ask for accountability know they need it.

  Dealing with an Obliger Patient or Health Client

  Of the Four Tendencies, Obliger is the largest, which means that health-care professionals will be dealing with many, many Obligers. In general, Obligers benefit when a doctor, nurse, physical therapist, nutritionist, trainer, coach, or teacher monitors their progress. An exercise instructor, for example, might tell students that they’ll get an email if they miss a class, or that he’s keeping an attendance record, or that he’ll be disappointed or annoyed if the Obliger doesn’t show up.

  I gave a talk about the Four Tendencies to the trainers at a popular New York City gym. Afterward, a trainer told me, “For accountability, we’re told to use people’s names when possible.”

  “That’s a great idea,” I said.

  “But I realized something else I can do,” she added. “When people leave, I’ve been saying, ‘I’ll be here next week.’ Now I’m going to say, ‘I’ll see you here next week.’ That way, people will feel like I’m expecting them.”

  “Brilliant!” I said.

  As always, whenever people ask for accountability, it’s wise to provide it, if possible. One Obliger recalled: “I told my dentist, ‘Please hold me to my promise to floss. If I come back for my next exam and my mouth is in bad shape, call me on it!’ She laughed but agreed to do it. I’ve been a nightly flosser ever since.”

  Each year, more devices, apps, and services come onto the market to help hold people accountable for health behaviors. While these can be extremely effective, it’s important to match the accountability system to the actual Obliger. For some Obligers, it’s enough to receive an email reminder to take a medication or to use a fitness tracker to monitor their daily exercise; for some Obligers, an app that imposed a fine would be useful. In the Better app, people can easily build accountability groups to create that sense of personal accountability. Most benefit from feeling accountable to an actual person.

  Research shows that many people will pay extra for a commitment device. In fact, if I were a trainer, I’d tell people, “Our policy is that if you cancel within 24 hours of your session, we charge you anyway. If you prefer, we’ll charge you triple if you cancel within 24 hours.” Several Obligers have told me that they’d opt for the triple charge.

  Often, Obl
igers can do something for others that they can’t do for themselves, so they may be more likely to follow health-related instructions when they’re reminded of the spill-over benefits to others. And vice versa. One Obliger wrote:

  I’m six months pregnant, and for five months, I took my prenatal vitamins daily without fail, willing to do whatever possible for my baby’s health. A month ago, I read an article explaining that the baby will never go without the necessary vitamins as it will rob the mother’s stores, so the vitamins are more for the mother’s health. Now that I connect the vitamins with my own health rather than the baby’s, I’m lucky if I remember to take them every second day.

  The people around Obligers should provide helpful accountability but should also avoid triggering Obliger-rebellion. They shouldn’t push or nag too hard, or set goals that are too intimidating; instead, they should seek to help Obligers feel encouraged, supported, and accountable, with reasonable bounds. Easier said than done.

  Choosing a Career as an Obliger

  Obligers can do just about anything well—if they have outer accountability and if they guard against Obliger-rebellion. When choosing a career path, Obligers should remember that they’re more successful in work situations that supply outer accountability. One Obliger explained:

  I recently made a switch toward a more Obliger-friendly career. I started out in academia and did extremely well at the beginning, when I had an obligation to my Ph.D. supervisor to produce good research and write good papers. However, as I started moving toward career stages where my only obligation was toward myself and my own research, I found it increasingly difficult. I recently left academia for a teaching-only position, and I love it. Each day gives me opportunities to meet other people’s expectations.