The Four Tendencies Page 13

  An Obliger boss explained, “Obliger fits perfectly with my organization’s mission-driven and team-centered culture.”

  When making career decisions, Obligers must also guard against the impulse to meet others’ expectations while disregarding their aspirations for themselves. Because this issue is at the core of the Obliger Tendency, Obligers must find ways to identify their inner desires and then develop external structures to hold themselves accountable. If they don’t, they may find themselves very far down a career path that’s wrong for them—which is when Obliger-rebellion often sets in.

  While under the right circumstances Obligers can succeed in just about any career, many Obligers have told me that they believe that the Obliger perspective is practically a requirement of their field—in professions including corporate law, social work, private-wealth management, and medicine. “My team frequently pulls all-nighters to write code,” one Obliger told me. “Sometimes a person comes along who says, ‘Sorry, I’m not going to keep doing this.’ And that person never lasts long.”

  After I spoke to a business group, a member came up to me to ask, “Now that I know the Tendencies, I’m going to hire only Obligers. I want employees who will meet work expectations, no matter what. Can you tell me how to screen for this during hiring?” I was somewhat taken aback. I don’t think he had the best interests of those Obligers at heart.

  SUMMARY: DEALING WITH AN OBLIGER

  They readily meet outer expectations but struggle to meet inner expectations

  They put a high value on meeting commitments to others

  They succeed when given accountability, with supervision, deadlines, monitoring, and other forms of accountability, such as the duty to be a good role model

  They may have trouble setting limits on others’ demands

  They may have trouble delegating, because they feel that some expectations attach to them personally

  They must have systems of external accountability in order to meet inner expectations

  They may be exploited by people who take advantage of them, and because of that…

  They may feel resentful or burned out, in which case…

  They may need managers or others to alleviate expectations, or they may rebel

  REBEL

  “You can’t make me, and neither can I”

  “It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to.”

  “MAY THE BRIDGES I BURN LIGHT MY WAY.”

  “You’re not the boss of me.”

  “I do things only in my own way—a blessing and a curse.”

  “Ask forgiveness, not permission.”

  “I do what I want.”

  “BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT.”

  “Don’t look, just leap.”

  “RULES MUST BE BROKEN. EXCEPT, WOULD THIS BE A RULE?”

  “Freedom is my discipline.”

  “You can’t make me, and neither can I.”

  “I’m happy to, when I don’t have to.”

  “YOU CAN’T SPELL ‘REBEL’ WITHOUT THE BE.”

  9

  Understanding the Rebel

  “It’s so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to”

  Strengths (and Weaknesses) • Weaknesses (and Strengths) • Variations Within the Tendency • How Others Can Influence Rebels to Meet an Expectation • How Rebels Can Influence Themselves to Meet an Expectation • Why Rebels May Be Drawn to Lives of High Regulation

  Every single day, all day long, each of us faces outer expectations and inner expectations—and we must decide, “Should I meet this expectation or resist it?”

  For Rebels, the answer is always clear: Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike. They want to do what they want to do, in their own way and in their own time, and if someone asks or tells them to do something, they resist. They don’t even want to tell themselves what to do—they resist expectations imposed from within as vigorously as those imposed from without.

  Rebels want to act from a sense of choice, freedom, and self-expression. Rebels wake up and think, “What do I feel like doing right now?” They resist control, even self-control, and often enjoy flouting rules, expectations, and conventions.

  Rebels aren’t persuaded by arguments such as “People are counting on you,” “You’ve already paid for it,” “I did this task, so will you do that task?” “I think this is really important, so let’s agree that from now on we’ll do it,” “Things should be this way,” “You have an appointment,” “You said you’d do it,” “This way is more efficient,” “Someone else will be inconvenienced,” “It’s against the rules,” “It’s a tradition,” “This is the deadline,” or “It’s rude.”

  They’re much more apt to respond to being told “This will be fun,” “This is what you want,” “I’m feeling anxious about this, do you think you can do it?” “This feels really important to me, what do you think?” Rebels can do anything they want to do.

  For Rebels, the ability to choose is so important that sometimes they make a choice—even when it’s against their own self-interest or it’s not what they prefer—just to reassure themselves that they can make that choice.

  In my study, when people in the Four Tendencies were asked about how they stick to their good habits, Rebels were most likely to give the answer: “Usually I don’t choose to bind myself in advance to a particular course of action.”

  Of the Four Tendencies, Rebel has the fewest members. It’s a conspicuous group but a small one.

  Strengths (and Weaknesses)

  Rebels do something because they choose to do it, and so they’re free from many of the pressures that the other Tendencies face.

  Rebels tend to enjoy meeting challenges, when they can meet those challenges in their own way. A Rebel entrepreneur explained:

  As a Rebel, I get a boost from a challenge. “You think I can’t start my own business? Watch me.” Whenever I hear myself say “I can’t…” or “I could never…,” I feel compelled to do it. I’ve amazed myself by the impossible things I’ve tackled just to prove to myself that I could. I think it could be dangerous and certainly manipulative to try to “dare” a Rebel into doing the right thing, but I will honestly say that it would probably work on me.

  Rebels also take great pleasure in defying people’s expectations. As a Rebel said, “Ever since someone told me I could get mugged on this greenway near our house, I’ve been more consistent in going for walks there. This may not be the best example of a healthy habit, but hey, it works.” A Rebel who gave up alcohol explained, “People told me I could never quit drinking, and I love rubbing their faces in it and proving how wrong they were.” In fact, in the survey I conducted, Rebels were more likely than the other Tendencies to agree with the statement “I don’t mind breaking rules or violating convention—I often enjoy it.”

  When they’re doing what they want, Rebels often drive themselves hard—especially if there’s an element of “I’ll show you.” One Rebel wrote:

  The quiz said I was a Rebel, and at first I thought that couldn’t be true. I’m a physique competitor (the bikini division of bodybuilding). I’m regimented about my diet and workouts. I thought, “No way would a Rebel live this way.” But this is something I do entirely because I want to, entirely the way I want to do it. I do it despite the fact that my husband doesn’t understand it, my friends think it’s weird, and it’s a lot of work. I love watching people’s faces when I tell them I’m a bodybuilder (I look slim, not bulky), or when I say I was a mechanic in the navy. I get a kick out of defying expectations. Rebel seems so obvious now.

  Rebels easily defy customs and conventions. For instance, I’ve met several Rebel couples where the wife is the breadwinner, and when I read a New York Times article about patterns of marriage, housework, and earning, I thought about Rebels. The article reported that “wives who earn more [than their husbands] also do significantly more housework and child care than their husbands do, perhaps to make their husbands feel less threatened, the econo
mists said.” But maybe, it occurs to me, these men are Rebels who aren’t bothered by the social convention that they should earn more than their wives—and, in the Rebel way, they don’t feel much inclination to help out by doing boring, routine chores around the house, either. It’s not a matter of masculinity, it’s a matter of Tendency.

  At times, the Rebel Tendency is enormously valuable to society. As one Questioner pointed out, “The Rebels’ best asset is their voice of dissent. We shouldn’t try to school it out of them, or corporate-culture it out, or shame it out. It’s there to protect us all.” Many “Rebels with a cause” use their Rebel spirit to support the principles and purposes they believe in. One Rebel explained, “I’ve always had the impulse to defy authority. I ‘use my powers for good.’ I’ve argued against rules, and sometimes even broken them deliberately, on behalf of others to whom they’ve been applied unfairly.” Whenever I hear about people following an unconventional path—like the first woman to work on an oil rig—I think, hmmm, perhaps that’s a Rebel.

  One Rebel made an eloquent case for Rebeldom:

  A Rebel on a mission is a force of nature, a superstar. No need for checklists, for routines, rules, or habits to get things done. The need to find a cause, something to truly believe in and fight for, is vital. The inner belief is so strong, it will withstand any external pressure. A Rebel believes in his/her own uniqueness, and even superiority. There’s certainly an aspect of arrogance. But if Rebels find the cause, then that’s their master.

  In a telling choice of vocabulary, a Rebel who took similar pride in being a Rebel referred to non-Rebels as Muggles.

  Rebels place a very high value on authenticity and self-determination, and want their lives to be a true expression of their values. Others (especially Obligers) can find it very freeing to be with Rebels, because they’re so in touch with what they want and have no trouble refusing obligations.

  Rebels like to establish their own, often idiosyncratic, way of doing things. Right before a friend introduced me to someone she knew, she whispered, “Just so you know, he’s a fist bumper.” What? I wondered. But sure enough, when I held out my hand to shake, he held out his hand for a fist bump. He wasn’t just going to shake hands like everyone else. A friend’s Rebel son resisted applying to colleges until he decided to investigate international schools that no one else knew about; he enthusiastically applied once he’d found his own way.

  Rebels often do better when there are no expectations at all. One Rebel told me that she got her best grades during her final semester of high school, after she’d been admitted to a college, and her last year in college, when she already had a job lined up. Another Rebel said, “I’m writing a book, and I’m going to write the whole thing before I try to get a book contract, because the minute I have an editor and a deadline, I won’t want to write.”

  As an Upholder, I’ve learned a tremendous amount from studying my “opposite,” the Rebel. Rebels have shown me that we’re more free than we think. If I refused to get up before 10:00 each morning, my family and my colleagues would adjust. If I decided I’d wear yoga pants and running shoes every day for the rest of my life, I could get away with that.

  We’re more free than we think.

  Weaknesses (and Strengths)

  While the Rebel Tendency carries many benefits, for Rebels and for the world, it’s also true that Rebels often frustrate others (and themselves).

  If a Rebel is asked or told to do something, the Rebel is very likely to resist, and this instinct can create problems—for spouses, health-care professionals, parents, teachers, office managers. The harder the push, the greater the Rebel push-back. I laughed when a Rebel friend told me, “No one can tell me to do anything. I recently got an email saying ‘Please read’ in the subject line, and I immediately deleted it.”

  Rebels resist just about anything they perceive to be an attempt at control—something as simple as a ringing telephone, a party invitation, or a standing meeting. This reaction happens even when they realize that their resistance is self-destructive, counterproductive, or contrary to their own desires. A Rebel told me, “Sugar makes me sick, but sometimes I think, ‘I’m going to eat sugar,’ because I refuse to accept the idea that I can’t do something.” Another Rebel wrote, “In high school, I started taking Ritalin for ADD, and my focus increased dramatically, but I thought, ‘By what right does this drug control my personality? You think you can just pop in my mouth and make me do better in school—even though that’s also exactly what I want?’ So my focus increased, but my grades didn’t.”

  One Rebel law student wrote:

  I live a fairly successful life but always in opposition to some kind of norm. Everyone expects me, as a law student, to work all night and live at the library; therefore I’m going to work in the afternoons at a coffee shop. At the school I go to, students are expected to go into corporate firms, because those are the best-paying jobs; therefore I’m going to specialize in constitutional law. However, in some situations my Rebel Tendency gets me in trouble. I’m currently neglecting to submit a time sheet that’s months overdue, and I skip a lot of “mandatory” events or classes.

  This self-description illustrates an important paradox: In their determination to be free, Rebels may end up being controlled. This student is specializing in constitutional law not because it interests him, but to flout the expectation that he specializes in corporate law. Rebellion is the opposite of compliance, but rebellion is not freedom.

  I was reminded of this aspect of Rebeldom when a Rebel told me, “Peer pressure has the opposite of the intended result on me. If you try to convince me to do something, I automatically rebel and refuse to do it.” He didn’t see that he was responding to peer pressure—just in the opposite direction.

  Rebels want to do tasks in their own time—and if someone pushes them to hurry, they’re likely to resist and delay even more. The people around them may accuse them of being “procrastinators,” but Rebels aren’t necessarily reluctant to start work; they are refusing to be bossed around. The fact is, urging Rebels to do something will make them less likely to do it.

  Of course, this pattern can be very frustrating for people around Rebels. One Obliger recalled her Rebel husband:

  I tended to step in on his behalf when he couldn’t complete or start a task. I’d wait six months for a project to get done—then eventually feel that it was easier to do it myself. He would say that not everything could be done in my time frame. He once started a small home-improvement job that should’ve taken two weeks, and it took him more than a year. Each time I brought it up, he was annoyed. He didn’t like my expectation, which he saw as controlling, and I didn’t like the unfinished project.

  As I read that, I thought, “Probably that job took a year because she kept reminding him to do it.”

  Rebels tend to resist committing to a schedule. Seeing an item on their calendar can make them feel trapped, and when they do make plans, they often cancel them at the last minute.

  Rebels resist doing repetitive, boring tasks—such as taking out the garbage or filing expense reports—unless the consequences become serious enough. Many Rebels mention that they use automatic bill paying, and when they can afford it, they often pay to outsource routine obligations. Also, Rebels have learned that when they simply refuse to do something, other people often pick up the slack.

  Of course, when we must do something, we do it—even Rebels. Often, however, when Rebels must do something, they find a Rebel way to get it done. I asked a Rebel friend how she managed to pay her bills on time, and without skipping a beat, she answered, “I pay them when I’m at the office, when I should be working.” When another Rebel friend attends mandatory meetings, he does crossword puzzles on his iPad—conspicuously. The organization can make him come to the meeting, but they can’t make him listen.

  Even when Rebels acknowledge the reason for a restriction, they may find it hard to accept. One Rebel told me, “I’ve been married for five years, and I
love my wife. But I have a problem with the idea of monogamy. I don’t like people telling me what I can’t do. I want to enjoy the full range of experience and achieve my complete potential, and that means being with more than one person.” (He later divorced.)

  Rebels often refuse to accept and be limited by a label—even one that’s accurate. For instance, some Rebels move or change jobs frequently, to resist being trapped in one identity. Some Rebels will take positions in direct opposition to what they’ve said themselves, because they don’t want to feel trapped in a particular view; they’ll refuse to do a task that they said they’d do, because they don’t want to be forced into action, even by their own former words. Rebels often don’t care about reputation, or they may revel in being considered difficult or different (like many aspects of all the Tendencies, this can be both a strength and a weakness).

  Rebels resist any system where someone else decides what they can do. I’ve noticed an interesting pattern: When applying to school, Rebels often apply to just one school. They know where they want to go, and they don’t want an admissions committee deciding their future.

  Although Rebels resist any expectations imposed on them, some Rebels feel quite comfortable imposing their expectations on others. As Samuel Johnson once remarked, with some asperity: “It has been observed, that they who most loudly clamour for liberty do not most liberally grant it.” A Rebel wrote (presumably with a sense of humor about herself), “I want other people to do what I want, just like I want me to be able to do what I want.”