The Four Tendencies Read online

  From this description, I pegged her as a highly considerate UPHOLDER/Obliger. She’s able to meet inner expectations without outer accountability, but only when outer expectations don’t interfere. Though Upholders-tipped-to-Obligers have a commitment to both inner and outer expectations, for them, the pull of outer expectations is very hard to ignore; UPHOLDER/Obligers must be sure to articulate inner expectations and to create boundaries to protect inner expectations from outer interference.

  Some Upholders explain their determination to meet their inner expectations by saying it’s necessary to strengthen themselves to meet others’ expectations. When asked for a Tendency motto, one Upholder suggested, “If I want to support others, I must first support myself.” That’s the view of an UPHOLDER/Obliger. As an UPHOLDER/Questioner, I don’t feel the need to justify myself. I meet my inner expectations because they’re important to me.

  Why Upholders Have an Instinct for Self-preservation

  Because they meet both outer and inner expectations, it might seem likely that of the Four Tendencies, Upholders would feel most burdened by the weight of expectations. Not so. Obligers feel most burdened. While Upholders and Obligers both meet external expectations, Upholders also meet their expectations for themselves, and this protects them from the resentment and burnout that often trouble Obligers.

  Although it might seem counterintuitive, most Upholders are good at taking care of themselves and enjoying themselves. For instance, one study of Facebook status updates showed that people who scored high on “conscientiousness” (good at planning and getting things done) also wrote a lot about getting rest and enjoying leisure—they frequently used words like “weekend” and “relaxing.”

  That’s because Upholders use their Upholderness to schedule time for leisure; “goof off” becomes an item on the to-do list. One listener remarked, “During the year my wife gave herself to write her dissertation, she woke up every morning at 5:00 a.m. and went to work. By 4 p.m. she was ready to go to the gym and quit for the day. There was an amazing lack of drama. She’s also very interested in having fun, so her Upholder Tendency seems mostly like overly aggressive cruise-directing.”

  Upholders are also good at ignoring others’ expectations in order to meet their own inner expectations and to be self-protective. I was invited to dinner at an Upholder friend’s house, and at a certain time, he stood up and said, “Okay, everybody out. I need to get to sleep.” In the elevator, another friend said, “Wow, it was kind of amazing that he just kicked us all out. Don’t you think that was rude?” Maybe it was—but to me, as a fellow Upholder, it seemed perfectly reasonable.

  Upholders seek to maintain a high level of self-mastery and performance—which is one reason they take such satisfaction in sticking to their good habits. Upholders value self-command, so they tend to pay a lot of attention to getting enough sleep, exercising, having fun, keeping gas in the car, and so on. In fact, in the representative sample I studied, Upholders were far more likely to say, “I’m good at sticking to habits, even when no one else cares.”

  People often give the advice “Don’t be so hard on yourself,” or “It’s not healthy to be so inflexible,” or “No one else is paying any attention to that rule,” but for Upholders, meeting outer and inner expectations is very gratifying. This feeling is sometimes very hard for others—especially Rebels—to grasp. I remember talking to a Rebel friend about it.

  “For me,” I explained, “discipline brings freedom.”

  “But discipline means limits,” she said. “Who wants to follow the rules?”

  “I give myself limits to give myself freedom.”

  She shook her head. “That doesn’t make sense. Freedom means no limits. I want to do what I want to do.”

  We looked at each other and started laughing. Neither of us was going to convert the other, that was clear.

  Along the same lines, I’ve noticed that when people in the other Tendencies want to comfort or treat themselves, they often excuse themselves from an expectation. They might think, “After the tough day I’ve had, I’m going to skip my CrossFit class.” But as an Upholder, I find that letting myself off the hook usually makes me feel worse.

  Perhaps the Upholder emphasis on self-command accounts for an interesting result in the representative sample. Of the Four Tendencies, at 24%, Upholders were the least likely to agree with the statement “I have struggled with addiction.” The other three Tendencies scored about the same (34%, 32%, 32%), so it seems likely that there’s something specific to Upholders’ nature that protects them.

  In fact, the Upholder commitment to meeting expectations can sometimes make Upholders seem…cold. There’s a relentless quality to Upholders. They’re going to do what must be done even, sometimes, if that means inconveniencing other people or being out of step.

  My Obliger sister, Elizabeth, and I have a weekly podcast, Happier with Gretchen Rubin, and we devoted episodes 35, 36, 37, and 38 to the Four Tendencies. When we were talking about Upholders, Elizabeth noted, “Well, Gretch, being your sister, I’ve had a lifetime of seeing both the strengths and the weaknesses of you being an Upholder.” She told a story from a few years ago when our two families took a trip together. At the last minute, Jamie and my older daughter Eliza couldn’t go, so my younger daughter, Eleanor, and I met Elizabeth, her husband, Adam, and her son, Jack, at a resort not far from their house in Los Angeles.

  “We were in L.A., on West Coast time,” Elizabeth recalled, “and you decided that you and Eleanor should stay on East Coast time. Every night, you two ate dinner at about 4:30 p.m., and then went to bed at 7:30—and meanwhile, Adam, Jack, and I had a whole separate vacation, from 7 p.m. to midnight.”

  “That’s right!” I said.

  “See, to me, it seems like you miss out on fun and relaxation that way.”

  I could see her point, but when I thought about the agony of trying to stay awake during dinner and then having to readjust when we returned home—well, it just didn’t seem worth it.

  After the episode aired, I was fascinated by the response from a listener who took a dim view of my approach—and who, I strongly suspect, is an Obliger. She argued not that my approach would diminish my enjoyment of the vacation—which was Elizabeth’s point to me—but that my approach would take away from other people’s enjoyment. She wrote:

  It seemed like you thought it was perfectly okay to stay on East Coast time. By sticking to your schedule and staying rigid because you’re an Upholder, you may actually be spoiling other people’s vacations. I felt that there was a lack of awareness on your part. Rather than really be in the moment with Elizabeth and her family, who had set aside the time to be with you and your daughter, you put your own schedule first.

  I wrote back:

  You point out that Elizabeth and her family had set aside time to be with us. Absolutely true! Likewise, we put aside our time to be with them.

  In fact, we flew to L.A. from N.Y.C., no small undertaking, so that they could stay within an easy, close drive of their house. So would it have been equally reasonable to expect them to stick to our time zone for two days? To eat breakfast and dinner on our schedule?

  In my view, it’s not that one person is “right” but just that people are coming from different perspectives.

  In fact, though it sounds a bit callous to admit it, as an Upholder I often wish that the people around me would take care of themselves the way that I take care of myself, so that I wouldn’t have to worry about their comfort or convenience. I absolutely understood the boyfriend’s perspective when an Obliger wrote, “My Upholder boyfriend sometimes feels that I’m too needy—rather than doing what would make me happy, I often wait to hear what would make him happy and then decide to do that. As much as you’d think someone would appreciate having their happiness put first, he actually prefers that I do what I want for myself, first and foremost.”

  Although Upholders take great satisfaction in their routines and their good habits, to someone on the o
utside, their disciplined approach can make them look like a killjoy. I suspect that Upholders in the entertainment business, and in the arts, sometimes go out of their way to hide their Tendency—to present themselves as more wild and hedonistic than they actually are. Upholderness isn’t a very glamorous, edgy, or endearing quality. It doesn’t contribute to a fascinating biography or make good publicity copy. In her megahit song “Shake It Off,” Taylor Swift sings about how she stays up too late and dates too many guys—but does she stay up too late? Hmmm. I wonder. Taylor Swift sure looks like an Upholder to me.

  How Upholders Can Manage Upholder Tightening

  Although Upholders generally show a strong instinct for self-preservation, their Upholder nature does sometimes lead to the pattern of “tightening.”

  When people in the other three Tendencies try to meet expectations, they tend to start off strong and then slacken over time. They look for loopholes, they find exceptions, they become less conscientious. This happens to me, too, with some habits. But sometimes, Upholders can have the reverse experience—a kind of tightening. It becomes harder for them to make an exception, to take a break, to lighten up. That can be good—but it can also be bad.

  An Upholder friend had a lot of muscle pain, and I convinced her to try my strength-training gym. She already exercised regularly, but I thought this particular regimen might help her. So she went, and she cured her pain, and then she wanted to stop going, because the gym was located in a very inconvenient place for her, and she got regular exercise elsewhere. But although she said she wanted to stop, she couldn’t seem to. Her Upholder nature had locked in and wouldn’t release. Another Upholder told me in mock despair: “I kept increasing my daily Fitbit steps goal until I was literally jogging beside the bed before I would get in, just to reach the target.” That’s tightening.

  Tightening can happen in any context. One Upholder experienced work tightening. “During a particularly busy time at work, I started going into the office at 7:00 a.m. (we officially start at 9:00). It’s settled down now, yet I still go in at that time. Mostly I enjoy it, but I’d also love the flexibility to be able to feel okay about going in later if, for instance, I wanted to have breakfast with my husband.”

  So how can Upholders combat troublesome tightening? By staying alert for the tightening pattern, and when it strikes, considering carefully whether that expectation deserves to be met. Upholders can remind themselves that at a certain point, following tighter and tighter expectations undermines performance and self-mastery. And as always, Upholders must make sure to articulate their inner expectations.

  One of my favorite writers, the eighteenth-century essayist and lexicographer Samuel Johnson, observed, “All severity that does not tend to increase good, or prevent evil, is idle.” An important reminder for Upholders.

  Why Upholders Must Articulate Their Inner Expectations

  Although Upholders can indeed reject outer expectations in order to meet inner expectations, they don’t always have a clear sense of what they expect from themselves. For an inner expectation to be met, it must be clearly articulated. Therefore, Upholders must take care to define for themselves what they want and what they value—that clarity is essential.

  I know this very well from my own experience. After college, I wasn’t sure what career to follow. I figured law school would be a great education, it would prepare me for many different careers, and I could always change my mind about my career choice later. Right? So I went to law school.

  Law school is very attractive to Upholders: it’s very clear how to apply and how to succeed once you’re there, and the very point of law school is to understand and follow the rules. I met those outer expectations, and I did very well. In law school, I became the editor in chief of Yale’s law review, I won a writing prize, and I got a clerkship with Justice Sandra Day O’Connor.

  During my clerkship, however, I realized for the first time that I really wanted to be a writer.

  Once that inner expectation kicked in, I had no trouble abandoning my legal career and starting over from scratch—without any deadlines or accountability. “But how did you do it?” people often ask. “How did you have the discipline to write a proposal, work on a book, and get an agent, all on your own?” For me, once I’d clearly heard the voice of my own inner expectation, doing the work wasn’t hard. But it took me a long time to hear that voice.

  SUMMARY: UPHOLDER

  LIKELY STRENGTHS:

  Self-starter

  Self-motivated

  Conscientious

  Reliable

  Thorough

  Sticks to a schedule

  Eager to understand and meet expectations

  POSSIBLE WEAKNESSES:

  Defensive

  Rigid

  Often struggles when plans or schedules change

  Can seem humorless and uptight

  Uneasy when rules are ambiguous or undefined

  Impatient when others need reminders, deadlines, supervision, or discussion

  Demanding

  May become anxious about obeying rules that don’t even exist

  4

  Dealing with an Upholder

  “Just do it”

  Work • Spouse • Child • Health Client • Choosing a Career

  Dealing with an Upholder at Work

  Upholders can make great colleagues; they’re self-starters, they’re very interested in performance, they don’t need supervision, and they’re good at recognizing their limits.

  Also, for others, it’s energizing to work with people who execute everything they’ve promised; other people know that if an Upholder says he’ll do it, it gets done. A boss can say to an Upholder, “When you have a chance, can you look into this issue and tell me what you find?” and make no further mention of the assignment, then six weeks later get a full report from the Upholder.

  They can make great bosses because they’re clear about setting expectations and are highly disciplined themselves. An Upholder boss would be clear about what’s expected from a particular position, fair about enforcing rules and schedules, and far-sighted in following a long process toward a conclusion; an Upholder boss wouldn’t suddenly change goals, methods, or deadlines.

  Upholders do well as entrepreneurs or freelancers, or with any kind of side hustle, because they’re self-motivated. They can identify what needs to be done and then follow through, even when they don’t have a client, customer, or boss to hold them accountable. In analyzing the results of my nationally representative survey, I was interested to see that as a person’s income rises, he or she is more likely to be an Upholder (and less likely to be a Rebel).

  However, Upholders sometimes get impatient when others struggle to meet expectations. An Upholder boss may resist answering Questioners’ questions, saying, “We got a memo about the new deadline from Corporate, and I’m sure they have a good reason for changing it; let’s stop arguing about it and get to work.” An Upholder boss may resist building in the systems of accountability needed by Obligers—such as setting deadlines or enforcing vacation days—because he or she doesn’t understand why it’s necessary. Working with Rebel employees will very likely be a real challenge (for both sides).

  Upholders get frustrated by others’ failure to meet expectations. One Upholder explained:

  I’m an Upholder doctor in a busy subspecialty medical practice, and my partners are Questioners and Rebels. They tend to set rules for our practice that may be unrealistic, and as an Upholder, I feel greatly stressed when these rules get bent or broken. Often, I’m the only one following these rules, or even worse, I’m put in the uncomfortable position of policing my senior partners when they fail to meet the expectations that they claim to endorse for all of us. I’m going to advocate that instead of making rules, we use our best judgment on a case-by-case basis.

  Upholders sometimes have trouble delegating, because they assume that others will drop the ball or won’t do a good job.

  At times, Upholders ca
n become locked in to routines and schedules, and they may find it hard to disregard rules, even senseless rules, and may not recognize when it’s time to make changes. Upholders may find it hard to drop a pointless expectation or take a break. They also may have trouble accommodating change on short notice, so those around them should strive to give them plenty of advance warning about any change or new assignment.

  For people managing Upholders, it’s helpful to remember that because they hate to fail to meet an expectation, they may find it hard to set priorities—all expectations seem equally important. To counter this, a boss or colleague should make priorities clear: “Usually I want that report every Friday, but when the annual report is due, it’s okay to put off the weekly report while we finish the annual report. The annual report is more important.”

  Because of the Upholder desire to meet both inner and outer expectations, Upholders may be reluctant to pitch in to help others if it means setting aside their own obligations.

  Upholders get very upset when they do make mistakes or break commitments—sometimes, too upset. An Upholder friend is an editor at a major newspaper. “I really, really hate it when there’s a mistake in a story that I worked on,” she told me. “Other people seem to take it in stride, but I feel terrible.” A comment such as “It’s no big deal” or “No one even noticed” is less helpful to such a person than “You tried your hardest, and that’s the best anyone can do.” Because they hate to screw up, Upholders can be very defensive or hostile when told they’ve made a mistake.