The Four Tendencies Read online

  Because Upholders want to meet expectations, they may refuse to tackle a new opportunity if they’re afraid they won’t be able to fulfill it. Of course, sometimes this is helpful, because it means Upholders are good at drawing boundaries, but sometimes it’s not helpful, when they don’t challenge themselves, for fear that they won’t be able to “do it right.”

  Dealing with an Upholder Spouse

  Upholders—like people in all the Four Tendencies—can’t turn their personalities on and off. In many ways, it’s great to be married to an Upholder, but on the other hand, an Upholder is likely to want to work during a vacation or to practice the violin even when guests are visiting for the weekend.

  When we understand a person’s Tendency, we’re able to understand his or her perspective. An Upholder friend told me how the Tendencies helped her avoid a fight with her husband.

  “We were taking the train to visit my parents. Our son had turned twelve years old the day before, so instead of being 75 cents, his ticket cost $8.50. But I thought, ‘If we don’t pay full fare, it will ruin my weekend.’ ”

  “Right,” I said, nodding.

  “But my husband is a Questioner. He thought I was being too extreme. He said, ‘It’s arbitrary, he’s just one day older, so it’s fair to buy the cheaper ticket.’ ”

  “Which makes sense from his point of view,” I acknowledged. “And a Rebel might think, ‘Hah! Metro-North can’t make me pay.’ ”

  Understanding fosters tolerance.

  Upholders tend to dislike changing plans or being spontaneous. In my own marriage, Jamie refuses to answer my questions, which I think is partly due to his Questioner nature and partly due to his desire to avoid creating a specific expectation in me, his Upholder wife. If he tells me that we should leave for the party at 7:00 p.m. but then decides that we should leave at 7:15, I may resist that change. If he doesn’t tell me until I absolutely need to know, he spares himself that possible conflict.

  Upholders may feel pressure to meet an expectation, even if it doesn’t make sense in a particular circumstance—which can annoy their partners. To argue most effectively, a spouse does well to acknowledge Upholder values. A spouse might say, “I see that the sign says ‘Authorized Personnel Only,’ but I think we qualify as ‘authorized personnel’ here,” or “The form says that it’s due by June 1, but this company wants our money, and the actual date is September, so I think it’s fine if we send in the form on June 15.”

  The spouse of an Upholder should guard against suggesting a possible expectation because the Upholder may embrace it—even when it’s not a good idea. A spouse’s mere passing thought—“You should run to be the head of the neighborhood association,” “You’d make a great chair for the church committee,” or “You should reorganize your employees into a more effective structure”—might lock in tight around the Upholder.

  The spouse of an Upholder can help by providing reminders of inner expectations, such as “You don’t have to do that,” “Is this important to you?” or “You did your best, you made a mistake, it happens.”

  Upholders can become impatient when their spouses don’t readily meet expectations. Questioners married to Upholders may need to remind them that as Questioners, they need reasons; Obligers, that they need accountability; Rebels, that they need choice and freedom.

  Dealing with an Upholder Child

  In most ways, the parents of Upholder children have an easy time. Upholder children want to understand and meet expectations, and they’re self-motivated. Parents don’t have to be involved in many homework battles or remind a child to feed a fish. An Upholder child will practice the piano without many reminders, plan ahead to pack the right soccer equipment, and keep track of the school schedule.

  Parents enjoy this aspect of Upholderness, but they may get frustrated when a child can’t turn off the Upholder Tendency. From time to time, they want the child to loosen up or let go of expectations. Not likely. The Upholder child may go nuts if he can’t do the thirty minutes of reading that he’s supposed to do before bed or if she arrives five minutes late for school.

  As with all the Tendencies, arguments work better when they address that Tendency’s values. A parent might explain, “Your teacher expects you to read for thirty minutes every night, but because we went to visit Grandma, it will be bedtime by the time we get home. A good night’s sleep will make you alert for school tomorrow, and that’s more important than reading tonight.” Or: “The teacher understands that sometimes children can’t complete an assignment, for reasons that aren’t their fault, and that’s okay.” Those arguments will work better than arguments such as “You deserve it,” “The teacher won’t know that you skipped one day,” “The teacher isn’t the boss of you,” or “Reading for thirty minutes is just an arbitrary goal,” which are far less persuasive to an Upholder.

  Upholder children may also find it hard to change schedules suddenly, to leave a task unfinished if it’s time to move on, or to handle situations where expectations aren’t clear.

  While most parents would find it fairly easy to have an Upholder child, the parent-child relationship between an Upholder and a Rebel is often difficult to manage, on both sides.

  Like spouses of Upholders, parents of Upholder children should guard against accidentally introducing an expectation or suggesting unnecessary rules. It’s easy for an Upholder to lock on to an expectation and spend tremendous energy and time living up to it, even if it’s not something that he or she wants to do—or even a good idea. A casual comment like “You should enter the spelling bee” might set off an enormous and unintended chain reaction.

  The adults around an Upholder child should help that child to articulate his or her own inner expectations so that inner as well as outer expectations can be achieved.

  Dealing with an Upholder Patient or Health Client

  For doctors and other health-care providers, Upholders make easy patients. They take doctors’ orders seriously, they take their pills as directed, they’re rigorous about doing physical therapy.

  So in the representative sample I studied, I wasn’t surprised to see that of all the four Tendencies, Upholders—at 70%—were the most likely to disagree with the statement “My doctor has told me why it’s important that I make a certain change in my life, but I haven’t done it.”

  In fact, Upholders may have the opposite problem—they may too readily follow a doctor’s instructions and fail to ask enough questions. When I was twenty years old, an orthodontist casually told me, “Your jaw needs to be broken and reset. You have no pain or symptoms now, but mark my words, by thirty you’ll be experiencing chronic jaw pain.” I managed to question this advice, but it took every ounce of my strength. (I still haven’t had any jaw problems, by the way.)

  Health-care professionals should remember that Upholders tend to meet expectations faithfully, and may even experience tightening, so it’s not helpful to exaggerate standards in order to get adherence. At the same time, Upholders’ instinct for self-preservation helps them speak up when expectations become too burdensome. When I switched to a new trainer at my high-intensity weight-training gym, I had no trouble telling him, “You’re making the weights too heavy. I want them very heavy, but this is just too intense for me.”

  Choosing a Career as an Upholder

  Thinking about Tendency and career isn’t a simple matter of “Upholders should work as bank regulators or traffic cops, because they’d enforce rules all day.” Just about every job could be done by a different Tendency, in that Tendency’s own way, but it’s true that certain circumstances tend to favor—or not—different Tendencies.

  Upholders do well in roles that require people to be self-starters, such as starting a business, solo consulting, or freelancing, because once they decide to meet an aim, they can work toward it without supervision or accountability. Upholders have a deep capacity to make themselves do things they don’t feel like doing, which is invaluable for people who work for themselves and lac
k coworkers to help with the details or drudge work.

  Upholders tend to thrive in situations where the rules are clear, because they take great satisfaction in fulfilling expectations. They might struggle in an environment where it’s important to be able to change course abruptly or adapt quickly to changing schedules or expectations. One Upholder explained, “I’m an Upholder, which makes me great at finding out the rules and making sure that people stick to them. But flexibility is really valued in my workplace, which I’m not so good at.”

  And they might be uneasy in an area where expectations aren’t clear, where rules are ambiguous—or where they’re expected to stretch the rules. The boss wants a general counsel who will interpret tax laws aggressively and creatively? Don’t hire an Upholder.

  I’ve noticed that Upholders are sometimes drawn to occupations where they help people with performance—I know an Upholder who’s a high-level coach, for instance, and several Upholders (like me) who write books about people improving performance, self-management, or habits.

  However, because Upholders easily meet outer and inner expectations, they’re often perplexed when other people just can’t “do it already,” and they may not have helpful advice. One Upholder wrote, “I’m a personal trainer. Good: I definitely model the workout/nutrition lifestyle that I hope my clients will adopt, and I’m always on time. Not-so-good: I sometimes get frustrated when clients aren’t as dedicated as I would want them to be.”

  At a dinner, I was seated next to the CEO of a major bio-pharmaceutical company, and as often happens, I couldn’t resist describing the Four Tendencies. He grasped them immediately.

  “I’m an Upholder,” he told me, “and I bet that most of my fellow CEOs are Upholders, too.”

  “Why?” I asked.

  “Because to be the CEO of a public company, you have to be comfortable with following the rules and meeting enormous expectations from others. And you also have to feel self-directed, you have to be able to steer your own course and tell people no.”

  An Upholder friend, an investment banker, joined in the conversation. “I think that’s right. Like an Obliger makes a great number two—”

  “My number two is an Obliger, and he’s outstanding,” the first man interjected.

  “—but a good CEO has to be able to say, ‘I care what other people think, but in the end, I know what I want to do.’ And it takes tremendous discipline to have that kind of role—the kind that’s possible only when inner and outer expectations coincide, so that there’s no resentment, no inner conflict.”

  “I don’t know that I agree,” I said, shaking my head. “I think all four Tendencies can be terrific leaders, in their own ways.”

  “Questioners and Rebels would make great founders and innovators,” the CEO acknowledged. “But I think they’d struggle to build a mature company. Take a Rebel. As a public CEO, there’s too much scrutiny, right down to how you dress, how you talk to the Board.”

  At first, I was convinced—but then I thought, “Well, three Upholders deciding that only Upholders could be good public CEOs?” I wondered if three Questioners or three Obligers would conclude the same thing about their own Tendency. Rebels—well, I think it’s likely that even a Rebel would acknowledge that it’s a rare Rebel who would make a successful CEO for a public company.

  SUMMARY: DEALING WITH AN UPHOLDER

  They readily meet external and internal expectations

  They’re self-directed, so they can meet deadlines, work on projects, and take the initiative without much supervision

  They enjoy routine and may have trouble adjusting to a break in routine or sudden scheduling changes

  They hate to make mistakes, and because of that…

  They may become very angry or defensive at the suggestion that they’ve dropped the ball or made a mistake

  They put a high value on follow-through

  They may need to be reminded that, unlike them, others aren’t necessarily comforted or energized by getting things done

  They may have trouble delegating responsibilities, because they suspect that others aren’t dependable

  QUESTIONER

  “I’ll comply—if you convince me why”

  “I’ll comply—if you convince me why.”

  “PROVE IT.”

  “ ‘Because i said so’? I don’t think so!”

  “Don’t lose sight of why.”

  “Blind obedience is servitude. Or is it?”

  “Wait, what?”

  “Justification leads to motivation.”

  “Seek and seek and seek and seek—and maybe ye shall find.”

  “Optimizing life—even when we don’t want to.”

  “But why?”

  “IT’S MY WAY OR THE WRONG WAY.”

  “Why do we need a motto?”

  5

  Understanding the Questioner

  “But why?”

  Strengths (and Weaknesses) • Weaknesses (and Strengths) • Variations Within the Tendency • Why Questioners Dislike Being Questioned • How Questioners Can Master Analysis-Paralysis • How Questioners Can Meet Unjustified Expectations by Finding Their Own Justifications

  At work, at home, and in life, we all confront both outer and inner expectations. While Upholders readily meet both outer and inner expectations, Questioners meet only inner expectations—and that includes outer expectations that they’ve turned into inner expectations.

  In accepting those inner expectations, Questioners show a deep commitment to information, logic, and efficiency. They want to gather their own facts, decide for themselves, and act with good reason; they object to anything they consider arbitrary, ill-reasoned, ill-informed, or ineffective. Many, many people are Questioners; only the Obliger Tendency has more members.

  For Questioners, how do outer expectations become inner expectations? Questioners meet an expectation only if they endorse it as efficient and reasonable. For instance, a Questioner thinks, “My father keeps reminding me to get my oil checked, but I don’t think that’s necessary now—so I’ll ignore him,” or “The sign above the office kitchen sink says that we’re supposed to do our own dishes, but washing mugs isn’t a productive use of my time; it’s more efficient to let the night staff wash up. So I’ll leave my mug here in the sink.”

  On the other hand, a Questioner readily meets an outer expectation that’s well justified because it then becomes an inner expectation. A Questioner thinks, “My teacher explained that I’ll finish my math homework more quickly once I’ve memorized the multiplication tables, so I want to get that done,” or “My wife has wanted me to clean out the guest room for months, but we never use the guest room, so I refused to do it. Now that we have guests coming in a few weeks, I’ll do it.”

  Because of their focus on justification, Questioners wake up each day and think, “What needs to get done today and why?” They decide for themselves whether or not a course of action is a good idea. If the boss tells a Questioner to finish the report by this Friday, the Questioner might decide, “No one is going to read the report until next Wednesday, and it’s more efficient for me to write it at the beginning of the week, so I’ll finish it by Wednesday.” No surprise, in the representative sample, Questioner was the Tendency most likely to agree with the statement “I do what I think makes the most sense, according to my judgment, even if that means ignoring the rules or other people’s expectations.”

  Once Questioners accept the reasons for an expectation, they’re self-directed and don’t need much supervision. So for a boss trying to persuade a Questioner to use a new billing program, or a doctor trying to get a Questioner to take a medication, or a spouse trying to get a Questioner’s help in cleaning the basement, it’s worth the effort to spell out the justifications: why this task, why this way, why now? If convinced—and that’s a crucial if—the Questioners will reliably follow through.

  The same process applies for Questioners considering an inner expectation. They’ll meet an expectation for themse
lves once they’re convinced it makes sense. Say a Questioner wants to get back in shape. That Questioner needs to take the time to do his research, weigh his options, and be convinced that a particular type of exercise, for him, is the most efficient and productive way to get fit. It doesn’t matter if his doctor orders him to exercise, or his wife nags him, or his coworker says, “Let’s be gym buddies”—but once the Questioner decides that CrossFit or running is the best form of exercise for him, he’ll be able to meet his inner expectation.

  Questioners question everything. One of my favorite examples of the Questioner Tendency in action came during a conference, when I asked the audience to divide into their Four Tendencies and create a motto for their Tendency. The four groups conferred, and when it was the Questioners’ turn to present, they answered: “Why do we need a motto?” Of course.

  Strengths (and Weaknesses)

  Because Questioners are wholly inner-directed, once they make up their minds about the right course of action, they follow through without much difficulty—and they resist expectations without much difficulty, too. Questioners have the self-direction of Upholders, the reliability of Obligers, and the authenticity of Rebels.

  Questioners may question even the most basic customs and assumptions. “Do I want to be married?” “If you’re my boss, do I have to do what you tell me to do?” “Why shouldn’t children be allowed to curse like adults?”