Outer Order, Inner Calm Read online

  It’s also easy to acquire supplies that seem useful, but that don’t actually get any use, such as a three-hole punch, legal pads, a ruler, or a calculator, or to stockpile items like binder clips, empty three-ring binders, highlighters, or packets of ketchup and salt.

  Keep only those items you actually use.

  ARE YOU IN THE “SEASON OF STUFF?”

  Parents of young children have to deal with a lot of stuff, and that stuff often creates clutter.

  Little kids need strollers, high chairs, cribs, car seats, and diaper pails. They often have big toys, like play kitchens or massive block sets. They need specialized equipment for ordinary activities.

  If you’re irritated by all this clutter, remember, it will pass. Although older children do create a different kind of maddening clutter, their possessions usually take up less space—and eventually those children move out.

  I remind myself that the things that annoy me now are the things that I’ll remember with longing in the future. Although at one time keeping a stroller in the hallway drove me crazy, now I think back with intense nostalgia, Ah, remember those days when we had a baby and a stroller!

  The days are long, but the years are short.

  ASK YOURSELF, “I’VE INHERITED THIS ITEM, BUT DO I WANT TO KEEP IT?”

  When we inherit something, it’s very tempting to keep it.

  Perhaps this item reminds you of someone you loved. Perhaps this item was important to someone else. And if nothing else, it’s free.

  But that furniture—that set of china, those tools, those decorative items that don’t reflect your taste—if you won’t use them, don’t keep them.

  LEARN FROM YOUR SUCCESSES.

  Even if you’re surrounded by clutter, is there a place that stays clear? If you’re great with mail but bad with clothes perhaps you can find a way to deal with clothes in a way that’s more like mail.

  Maybe you’re messy at home but clutter-free at work, or vice versa. What makes it easier to keep your surroundings in good order in one environment but not in the other?

  Or maybe you’re drowning in clutter now, but you were clutter-free in the past. What made it easier to stay neat then?

  Think about why certain systems help you maintain order, and look for lessons that you can apply elsewhere in your life.

  You learn more about a person by living in his house for a week than by years of running into him at social gatherings.

  PHILLIP LOPATE

  ARE YOU A COUNTER-FILLER OR A COUNTER-CLEARER?

  Do you like to keep items on the counter, out in the open and ready for use, or do you prefer to keep your counters bare, with things hidden away?

  On a friend’s kitchen counter I spotted, among other things, a pepper mill, a cutting board, a bottle of pain reliever, a spoon rest, and a bagel slicer—all things that I prefer to keep stored out of sight.

  There’s no right approach, just what makes you comfortable.

  Even for people who like to see objects around them, however, this system works better when items aren’t piled haphazardly but rather carefully selected and purposefully placed where they can serve their function.

  RECONSIDER GIFT-GIVING.

  Giving gifts is a wonderful tradition, but it can lead to the exchange of possessions that no one really wants.

  To make sure that you receive and give items that will actually be used, keep lists of gift ideas for yourself and other people, and encourage people to use wish lists.

  Some people agree to follow a holiday rule: Something you want, something you need, something to wear, and something to read.

  Many people reach a point where they don’t want any more “stuff.” If so, give the gift of an experience rather than a possession, by taking them to a restaurant, cooking them a meal, taking them to a performance or an exhibit, paying for exercise sessions for them, volunteering to tackle a necessary chore for them, or the like.

  ASK YOURSELF, “DO I CARE?”

  Remember, the reason to clear clutter is because, somehow, that clutter is diminishing your happiness.

  If you don’t care, don’t bother. I have a friend who has a beautiful, well-organized house except for the entryway—which is crammed with a chaotic mess of shoes, backpacks, sports equipment, and overloaded coat hooks.

  She just doesn’t care.

  ARE YOU A MARATHONER OR A SPRINTER?

  If you’re gearing up to clear clutter, what appeals to you more: doing a little bit each day until the job is finished or taking a solid chunk of time and blasting through to completion?

  Marathoners prefer to work at a slow and steady clip, and they don’t like being pressed against deadlines. A marathoner might decide to tackle clutter for thirty minutes each day, or to clear one shelf or drawer at a time, until all the clutter is gone.

  Sprinters prefer to work in bursts of intense effort, and they often welcome the pressure of a deadline. A sprinter might choose to go to the office on a Saturday morning for a massive single effort to clear out a desk, or to invite guests to stay for the next weekend as a way to create clutter-clearing pressure.

  There’s no right or wrong way to clear clutter.

  ARE YOU AN UPHOLDER, A QUESTIONER, AN OBLIGER, OR A REBEL?

  In my book The Four Tendencies, I describe the personality framework that I’ve devised to explain how people respond differently to expectations. This Four Tendencies framework distinguishes people based on how they respond to outer expectations (meet a deadline, answer a request from a friend) and inner expectations (start meditating, keep a New Year’s resolution).

  UPHOLDER responds readily to outer and inner expectations.

  QUESTIONER questions all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense—essentially, they make all expectations into inner expectations.

  OBLIGER meets outer expectations but struggle to meet inner expectations.

  REBEL resists all expectations, outer and inner alike.

  Your “response to an expectation” may sound slightly obscure, but it turns out to be very important. For instance, when you’re trying to clear clutter:

  IF YOU’RE AN UPHOLDER: Because Upholders gravitate toward to-do lists, schedules, and planning, if you want to sort through a bunch of office files, slot that task into your calendar.

  IF YOU’RE A QUESTIONER: Questioners focus on the reasons for their actions, so remind yourself of the time, space, and serenity you’ll gain by clearing clutter. Questioners often raise questions like “Why make the bed if we’ll just mess it up again”? The more you see the justifications for your efforts, the more easily you’ll follow through.

  IF YOU’RE AN OBLIGER: To meet inner expectations, Obligers need outer accountability, so to clear clutter, create accountability. Invite a friend to keep you company; hire a professional organizer; promise someone that you’ll deliver your hand-me-downs; invite someone to stay for the weekend; consider it your duty to be a good role model for others; think of how others will benefit from a well-organized, spacious environment; reflect on how your future self will feel; start or join an accountability group.

  IF YOU’RE A REBEL: Rebels do what they want to do. Remind yourself that clearing clutter isn’t something you should do, or that you must do, or what others expect from you—it’s what you want. Instead of keeping a to-do list, keep a “could-do” list of all the things you could do, if you feel like it. Rebels also tend to like a challenge. “My boss thinks that I can’t clear these storage shelves in one afternoon. Watch me.”

  ARE YOU AN OVERBUYER?

  Some people buy too much, some people buy too little.

  You’re an overbuyer if…

  you tend to accumulate large stores of slow-moving items like shampoo or cough medicine.

  you often make a purchase, such as a tool or a tech gadget, with the thought, I’ll probably be able to use this.

  you have a long list of
stores to visit before you travel.

  you find yourself throwing things away—milk, medicine, even cans of soup—because they’ve hit their expiration date.

  you buy items with the thought This will make a great gift! without having a recipient in mind.

  Overbuyers feel stressed because they’re hemmed in by stuff. They often don’t have enough storage space for everything they’ve bought, or they can’t find what they have. They feel oppressed by the number of errands they believe they need to do and by the waste and clutter often created by their overbuying.

  So, overbuyers, think it over before you whip out your wallet! You don’t need a ten-year supply of toothpaste.

  On the other hand…

  ARE YOU AN UNDERBUYER?

  Some people buy too much, some people buy too little.

  You’re an underbuyer if…

  you often scramble to buy an item like a winter coat or a bathing suit after the point at which you need it.

  you resist buying things dedicated to very specific uses: suit bags, facial tissue, hand cream, rain boots.

  you often need to come up with a makeshift solution, such as using soap instead of shaving cream, because you don’t have what you need.

  you often consider buying an item, then decide, “I’ll get this some other time” or “Maybe we don’t really need this.”

  Underbuyers feel stressed because they don’t have the things they need. They’re often surrounded with things that are shabby, don’t really work, or aren’t exactly suitable.

  Underbuyers—buy what you need without procrastination! Don’t wait for the morning of your ski trip to buy ski gloves.

  And speaking of underbuyers…

  BEWARE OF UNDERBUYER CLUTTER.

  It’s easy to understand why overbuyers might struggle with clutter. But because underbuyers dislike buying things, you might assume that they wouldn’t have issues with clutter.

  In fact, the underbuyer distaste for shopping actually contributes to their clutter. Because they dread the thought of needing an item and being forced to go buy it, they find it very hard to let go of anything, no matter how useless. “I’ve only used this ice cream maker one time since I got it, but someday I might want to make ice cream, and I’d have to go out and buy an ice cream maker.”

  The best guide to the future is the past. If you haven’t used that thing since you acquired it, it’s unlikely you’ll start now.

  FEELING BLUE? TRY CLEANING UP.

  This strategy won’t work for everyone, but some people (like me) find it soothing to clear clutter. The gentle activity, the action of putting things in their proper places, and the visual gratification of seeing order emerge from a mess combine to give a big boost.

  Give it a shot. The next time you feel angry, anxious, or unhappy, try establishing some order to your surroundings. You might feel a lot better.

  I have a friend who was furious with her father, so she spent the day cleaning out her office. Sorting, tossing, creating space, and organizing helped her to calm down.

  Also, if someone else is driving you crazy with a sudden burst of clutter-clearing, remember, that person may be using outer order to deal with anxiety, sorrow, or anger.

  ASK “WHO OWNS THIS?”

  Often, clutter sticks around because it’s not clear who owns it—so no one feels authorized to get rid of it.

  Sure, there’s an odd lotion bottle in the cabinet that you never use, but someone in your house bought it. Does that person use it? Or that book, that exercise gear, that cord. To whom do these things belong?

  The question of ownership can be a particular problem at the office—those aren’t your files and no one seems to know why they’ve been sitting in the hallway for two years, but how can you throw them away?

  If you encounter something that you think is clutter, ask around and find out if anyone wants it. It’s surprising how often things go unclaimed.

  BEWARE OF THE TRAGEDY OF THE MESSY COMMONS.

  When several people use one space and no one person is responsible for keeping order, people tend to become messy and careless.

  This pattern can be a particular problem in the office. The sink and counters in the office kitchen, the mail area, and the conference rooms get used by everyone, but not everyone is careful to clean up.

  These common areas can cause a lot of strife. In my observation, the best system is officially to assign a particular person the job of maintaining order in each area.

  DON’T LET THE PERFECT BE THE ENEMY OF THE GOOD.

  Know your capacity—and recognize your limits.

  Actually spending ten minutes clearing off one shelf is better than fantasizing about spending a weekend cleaning out the basement.

  Actually clearing out most of the clothes you don’t wear is better than fantasizing about hiring an expensive closet-design company.

  Even if we can’t create or maintain perfect order, it’s still worth trying to make things better.

  ARE YOU STORING SECONDHAND CLUTTER?

  Sometimes, our houses get packed with things that we’re storing for someone else—someone who may not even want those things.

  You’ve been keeping shelves full of your son’s old trophies so he can have them when he wants them—but will he ever claim them?

  Some friends of mine were asked to store a friend’s very large collection of matchbooks while she was transferred overseas for a year. Even though they lived in a very cramped New York City apartment, they agreed to store her collection, which took up valuable space in one of their few closets. She ended up staying abroad for three years, and when she finally returned to New York City, they asked her to retrieve her collection and she said, “Oh, just throw it out. I don’t want it.”

  Be wary about storing items for someone else unless it’s very clear that that person values them.

  ASK YOURSELF, “DOES THIS MEMENTO ACTUALLY HOLD MEMORIES FOR ME?”

  Mementos are possessions meant to remind us of the people, activities, and places we love. But sometimes we hang on to these items even when they’re meaningless.

  You have a mug with a photo of a team of people with whom you briefly worked ten years ago, but you don’t even remember their names now.

  You inherited a big box of family photographs, but you don’t recognize anyone in the pictures.

  Your father gave you his father’s fishing rod, but you never met your grandfather and never go fishing.

  Don’t save mementos that hold no memories for you; don’t keep a keepsake unless you value it.

  ARE YOU CLUTTER-BLIND? OR ARE YOU DEALING WITH SOMEONE WHO IS?

  Very often, people in a couple or in a group have different levels of tolerance for clutter, and the ones with the least tolerance end up doing the most tidying, and the ones with the most tolerance end up doing less.

  However, in most cases, the messier ones eventually cave and do some clutter-clearing, too. They also want to be in an environment that is reasonably orderly (though people often disagree about what is “reasonable”).

  But there are some people who are truly clutter-blind—who don’t seem to register clutter ever.

  If you’re clutter-blind yourself, you may be mystified by why other people complain so much about your mess.

  If you’re dealing with people who are truly clutter-blind, accept that it’s very difficult to prod them to contribute to clutter-busting efforts because they neither see nor care about clutter. It just doesn’t register in their consciousness.

  Realizing that other people see clutter differently can help us deal more patiently with them.

  DO YOU STRUGGLE TO GET RID OF POSSESSIONS THAT ONCE GAVE YOU GREAT PLEASURE OR SERVICE?

  In The Theory of Moral Sentiments, philosopher Adam Smith observed:

  We conceive…a sort of gratitude for those inanimated objects, which have been the causes of
great, or frequent pleasure to us. The sailor, who, as soon as he got ashore, should mend [build] his fire with the plank upon which he had just escaped from a shipwreck, would seem to be guilty of an unnatural action. We should expect that he would rather preserve it with care and affection, as a monument that was, in some measure, dear to him.

  I love this passage, but the old-fashioned language may obscure Smith’s thought-provoking point: When some object has done us a great service, we’re reluctant to get rid of it.

  For instance, I found it hard to say good-bye to my old laptops. They worked so hard for me; we’ve had so many good times together. But my old laptops were starting to take up a lot of space, so I took a photograph of them as a memento and sent them on their way.

  SOME PEOPLE HAVE VERY STRONG VIEWS ABOUT THE RIGHT WAY TO LOAD A DISHWASHER.

  Dishwasher loading may be a good area to decide: “This issue matters more to someone I love than it matters to me. Out of love, I’ll load the dishwasher according to that person’s method, even if I think it’s unnecessary, silly, illogical, or a waste of time.”