The Four Tendencies Read online

  A Questioner friend is married to an Upholder. “My husband hates to see drawers and cabinets open in the kitchen,” she recounted. “So he said to me, ‘Let’s have a rule that we always close the kitchen cabinets and drawers.’ ”

  I nodded. “Right. To an Upholder, once something’s a rule, it gets done.”

  “But I said, ‘Why do you get to make a rule?’ and he said, ‘I’ll make this rule, you make another rule.’ And I told him, ‘I don’t want to make rules for you or have you follow my rules. Why should we do that? Why do the drawers and cabinets have to be closed, anyway? If you want them closed, you can close them. But it doesn’t bug me, so why should I bother?’ ”

  I started to laugh. “You’re such a Questioner and he’s such an Upholder! Classic.” I love to see the Tendencies play out right in front of me.

  Because Questioners put such great weight on their own analysis, they often resist the advice of “experts”—which can be frustrating for spouses. One reader wrote, “My Questioner husband thinks he knows the answers to everything, and in fact, he’s often right, which makes it even harder. Example: I want to go to a financial adviser. He thinks it’s a waste of money, he feels that he can just research everything and know as much as anyone else.” This pattern can be annoying, but it can also be downright life-threatening—say, if a Questioner decides that a power tool’s safety features aren’t actually necessary.

  The Questioner drive for information and desire to make the best decision can trap a couple in analysis-paralysis. One reader wrote:

  Because my husband is a Questioner, nothing seems to get done. For example, I found a preschool I think would work for our child, but my husband questions the decision. In another case, we need to have concrete steps made, but he questions the contractor’s plan for the steps. I’m trying to get things done, and he puts up a yellow signal with so many questions that I just give up.

  She might consider strategies used to help Questioners escape analysis-paralysis, such as setting action deadlines, following the advice of a respected adviser, or limiting information sources.

  As with all the Tendencies, the upside of the Questioner Tendency is the same as the downside. And spouses experience both.

  Dealing with a Questioner Child

  To a Questioner child, “Because I say so,” “We’ve always done it this way,” “This is what you have to do,” and “That’s the rule” are infuriating justifications and certainly don’t warrant compliance.

  A Questioner needs reasons. If a parent wants a Questioner child to practice the piano, it would be important to address his or her questions, such as: Why play the piano at all? Why is it important to practice? Why practice a certain number of days? Why this particular teacher? If music is important, why not just listen, why play? If a Questioner child is satisfied with these explanations, he or she is much more likely to practice regularly. A child who isn’t satisfied, however, may resist mightily.

  Parents and teachers may become annoyed when Questioner children refuse to follow conventional behavior. They ask, “Why can’t I wear my Halloween costume to school?” “Uncle Jimmy is rude to me, so why do I have to be polite to him?” “What’s the point of college?” One reader wrote, “My teen son is a Questioner. He just got his driver’s license, and he was driving barefoot after a swim meet. I said, ‘Put on shoes, it’s illegal to drive barefoot’ (I’m an Upholder), and he said, ‘But why is it illegal?’ ” (Some Questioners really take issue with traffic regulations.)

  Teachers and professors may be enthusiastic about a Questioner’s probing questions because it pushes class discussion forward and shows a student’s engagement. Or they may become exasperated, if in their judgment, the Questioner slows down discussion too much, challenges their authority, argues against or refuses to complete assignments, or misdirects the energy of the class.

  Childhood can be a painful time for Questioners, because children are so often expected to do things because an adult “said so.” A parent of a Questioner child told me, “My son is very intelligent, but he does badly in school. He aces the exams, but he doesn’t see the point of homework, so he refuses to do it.”

  Questioners’ frustrations with school can have a significant effect on their academic success; when dealing with a child who refuses to meet an expectation, it’s important to try to understand the reason for that child’s behavior. While a Rebel child might think, “You can’t make me,” a Questioner child may be waiting to hear a convincing argument about why meeting an expectation is worthwhile. One Questioner recalled:

  When I was a little kid, my handwriting was very messy, and my teachers seemed more concerned with that than the content of my work. I was a smart kid, and one day I realized that I knew the answers to all the questions in the textbooks, and there was no reason why I should have to write anything down. If the teachers wanted to know my answers, they should ask me, and I would tell them!

  Teachers would punish me, they called me lazy, stubborn, and slow, but they didn’t give me a good counter-argument. It was only when the work got complicated enough that I had to write down my work or lose the thread of my thoughts that I started writing.

  If a teacher had bothered to find out the reason for this child’s refusal and provided adequate explanations, that school conflict might have been vanquished much earlier.

  The fact is, Questioner children often clash with authority. I’m always pleased to see examples of the Four Tendencies—whether in real life or in books, movies, or television shows—and when I was re-reading Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre, I saw that on the very first page of the book, Jane’s hateful aunt Mrs. Reed literally calls her a “Questioner” to explain why she finds Jane annoying: “Jane, I don’t like cavillers or questioners.” (I had to look up “caviller”; it means “one who quibbles.”)

  So when a Questioner child questions an assignment or expectation, a teacher or parent would do well to provide a thoughtful justification. If a Questioner student asks, “Why do I need to know about ancient Mesopotamia? This will never be of any use to me,” a teacher might respond unhelpfully, “This is what we’re studying now, so get with the program,” or helpfully, “You’re learning about Mesopotamia, true, but this assignment is teaching you much more. You’re learning how to analyze complex material quickly, how to pull essential ideas out of a text, how to take notes efficiently, and how to explain ideas in your own words. These are important skills that will serve you well.”

  Beyond that, even children can respond to the “second order of reason.” Why not drive barefoot? Because if you do, you may have to pay a big fine or have your license suspended. Why take courses that seem pointless? Because we can’t afford to pay for college, and these courses are necessary if you’re going to qualify for financial aid. Why be nice to Uncle Jimmy? Because you love Grandpa, and he’ll be upset if you’re rude to your uncle.

  Dealing with a Questioner Patient or Health Client

  For any health-care professional, it’s crucial (although sometimes not possible) to answer the Questioner’s questions. Once Questioners are convinced, they have little trouble meeting health expectations. They’ll take medication, do physical therapy, change their eating and drinking habits, or show up for checkups. But if they’re not convinced, they won’t.

  Too often, health-care professionals believe they’ve provided strong justifications for their expectations—but they’ve left questions unanswered, so the Questioner won’t act. For instance, a dental hygienist might say, “You need to brush for two minutes, at least twice a day, or tartar will build up.” That sounds like a justification. But what is tartar, anyway? What are the consequences of tartar buildup? And even if tartar is a problem, why not just wait for the dental hygienist to scrape it off? A little more explanation might lead to much better adherence.

  It’s worth noting, too, that Questioners often show a strong urge to customize. They may decide to follow instructions in the way they think makes the most se
nse—i.e., not exactly as prescribed. For that reason, it’s important to explain why instructions should be followed precisely: “This medication should be taken at mealtimes, because otherwise it can cause severe nausea.”

  Questioners need reasons. Why cut back on carbs? Why walk up and down the aisle of an airplane? And do they fully trust the authority directing them to do such things? If so, they’ll do it. If not, they won’t. Questioners will do what they think makes sense, as customized for them. A Questioner friend reported:

  When I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, my girlfriend thought it would be hard for me to deal with my new eating plan—but I knew I could do it. When we were in the doctor’s office, though, she thought I was out of hand, because I was asking so many questions. I knew that I needed the facts. Once I make up my mind, I stick with it. But I was honest with my doctor. I told him, “Fact is, I’m going to eat right, but I’m going to have six beers a week. And that’s the way I’m going to do it.”

  The Questioner “crackpot” aspect (it’s a harsh word, but there’s no better term for the convinced-of-one’s-own-nonexpert conclusions) is often seen in relation to health—perhaps it’s the combination of the ability to do extensive research, often on unreliable Internet sites, along with the Questioner desire to customize.

  Questioners may come up with their own theory about the cause of a health problem or what the treatment should be. In my observation, health professionals often ignore these patient-generated theories and just keep repeating their own view of the case, with the expectation that the patient will eventually accept the expert opinion. This approach often doesn’t work. It’s far more effective to address the patient’s theory and explain why the professional doesn’t agree with it.

  A friend’s Questioner husband took charge of his own cancer treatment—much to the dismay of his wife and doctors. They kept asking, “Why do you think you know more than a team of cancer doctors?” But he’d done his own research and drawn his own conclusions, and that carried more weight to him than any expert authority. To persuade him otherwise, the people around him would’ve done better to scrutinize the facts and reasoning that he found compelling and to present their facts and reasoning behind a different medical recommendation rather than just repeating, “Can’t you listen to the doctors?”

  In the health-care area (or any other area), when encouraging Questioners to take action, it can be useful to remind them, “Just try it. It’s an experiment. If it works, keep going. If it doesn’t, try something else.” This approach appeals to the Questioner desire to gather information and to customize. Or Questioners might also follow the example of someone they respect as a role model: “If that approach works well for him, it might work well for me.”

  Choosing a Career as a Questioner

  People often say things like, “I’m a journalist, so of course I must be a Questioner,” or “Questioners are probably more likely to become scientists.” But it doesn’t work like that. Most jobs could be filled by all of the Tendencies, because so many factors contribute to success in a particular career. After all, the Tendency describes only how a person responds to an expectation, not what the person’s talents, personality, intelligence, or interests are. I have a friend who is a brilliant, highly analytical doctor. She loves research, she asks a lot of questions—and she’s an Obliger. Because when it comes to meeting expectations, she readily meets outer expectations but struggles to meet inner ones.

  That said, Questioners do tend to delight in information and analysis, so they thrive in environments that emphasize research. They enjoy improving systems. One Questioner explained:

  I’m an internal auditor for a large multinational corporation, and I’ve spent twenty years asking why the company does things the way it does and constantly looking for ways to improve methods. I’m well respected because I always take the time to explain why I recommend doing things a certain way, while remaining open to others’ ideas. I doubt I would have been so successful in my job if I were any other Tendency.

  Many professions benefit from the Questioner emphasis on reason and explanation. One Questioner explained:

  I’m a Questioner who tips toward Upholder. I work as a land-use planner for a small municipality, dealing mostly with new developments. Part of this is ensuring that development proposals follow the city rules (i.e., the building is x big, and y tall, and z far away from the street, etc.). But a lot of it can be based on discretion and interpretation.

  My Tendency makes dealing with developers easier—I only make them do the things that make practical sense for the site, and I can explain why they should spend their money in this way. But my Upholder colleague clings to the rules, whether or not they’re applicable, and often ends up in conflicts with the developers, our managers, and the municipal council.

  Questioners do well in an environment that encourages and rewards questioning and where they’re working with people who have a high tolerance for being questioned. Questioners don’t work well with people who make arguments like “Because I said so” or “We’ve always done it this way.”

  When possible, Questioners should steer clear of bosses and colleagues who interpret constant questioning as undermining, uncooperative, or obstructive. One Questioner recalled, “I worked for a boss who wanted everyone to be a ‘team player.’ I consider myself a team player, and part of my value to the team is to help make sure we’re doing our best work in the best way. But whenever I asked questions, he’d view it as me resisting being a team player.”

  Because Questioners need to understand why they’re doing what they’re doing, some want to be their own bosses, where they can do their own research and make their own decisions.

  Questioners hate doing anything arbitrary or irrational or inefficient, so whatever career they follow, they’d be wise to avoid those conditions. Questioners who overdeliberate may do better when they work in a place where deadlines force action or where they have managers or coworkers who can help them set reasonable boundaries on their research.

  SUMMARY: DEALING WITH A QUESTIONER

  They question all expectations and meet them only if they believe they’re justified, with the result that they may meet only inner expectations

  They put a high value on reason, research, and information

  They make decisions based on information and reason; sometimes, the reason is that it’s important to someone else

  They follow the advice of “authorities” only if they trust their expertise

  They follow their own judgment—sometimes even when it flies in the face of experts who (allegedly) know more

  They persistently ask questions, which may make them seem uncooperative or defiant

  They hate anything arbitrary—rules like “Five garments to a fitting room”

  They dislike being questioned themselves; they consider their actions carefully so they find it tiresome or even insulting to be asked to justify their decisions

  They may have trouble delegating decision making, because they suspect that others don’t have a sufficient basis for action

  OBLIGER

  “You can count on me, and I’m counting on you to count on me”

  “You can count on me, and I’m counting on you to count on me.”

  “BY SERVING OTHERS, I SERVE MYSELF.”

  “If I have to, I will; if I want to, I won’t.”

  “I’ll do anything you ask. Until I won’t.”

  “We need an outside commitment for everything—even to spend time with ourselves.”

  “SAY YES TO LESS.”

  “I have a long wick with a quick burn.”

  “Treat yourself as you treat others.”

  “How can I be of service to you?”

  “I don’t want to, but I will, anyway.”

  “All for one, and one for all.”

  7

  Understanding the Obliger

  “I’ll do anything you ask. Until I won’t.”

  Strengths (and W
eaknesses) • Weaknesses (and Strengths) • Variations Within the Tendency • How Obligers Can Meet Inner Expectations by Creating Outer Accountability • When Outer Accountability Disappears • How Obligers Can Manage the Pros and Cons of the Tendency • How Obligers Shift the Line Between Outer and Inner Expectations • How to Understand and Protect Against Obliger-Rebellion

  As we move through our days, we confront a barrage of expectations—the outer expectations that others impose (or try to impose) on us and the inner expectations that we impose (or try to impose) on ourselves.

  Obligers readily meet the outer expectations imposed by others but struggle to meet the inner expectations they want to impose on themselves. Identifying the Obliger Tendency finally gave me the answer to my friend who asked, “I never missed practice when I was on the high school track team, so why can’t I make myself go running now?” When my friend had a coach and a team counting on her—external expectations—she had no trouble showing up for practice, but her own inner expectation wasn’t enough to get her running.

  As a result, Obligers respond to external accountability. They wake up and think, “What must I do today? For whom?” When an expectation comes from the outside—from a boss, a client, a family member, a doctor, a coach, an accountability group, a colleague—Obligers will respond. For the most part, they meet deadlines, they keep their promises, they follow through for others.

  However, Obligers struggle to follow through for themselves. For Obligers, it’s the inner expectations that pose the challenge. No matter how much they may want to meet a purely inner expectation—to exercise, to take an online course, to start their own company—they will almost inevitably fail. That’s a harsh thing to recognize, but it’s true.