The Four Tendencies Read online

  But I believe that this skepticism also reflects the fact that the Questioner Tendency is the least distinctive Tendency. Upholders, Obligers, and Rebels recognize how they’re different from other people. But Questioners view their questioning not as evidence of a pattern but as merely the logical, universal response to life. A friend told me, “I’m definitely a Questioner. Although doesn’t everyone or at least most people think the same way?” Nope, they sure don’t.

  During a visit to my old high school, where I spoke about the Four Tendencies, a senior insisted, “I’m a mix of Tendencies. Sometimes I act one way, sometimes another, depending on the situation.”

  “For example?” I asked.

  “If I get an assignment from a teacher I respect, I do it, no problem, so I’m an Upholder. But if I don’t respect the teacher, I won’t do it. So I’m a Rebel. So I’m different, depending on the situation.”

  “Actually, no,” I said. “That’s pure Questioner. A Questioner’s first question is ‘Why should I listen to you, anyway?’ ”

  Why Questioners Dislike Being Questioned

  There’s a great irony lurking in the heart of the Questioner Tendency.

  I knew that Questioners ask a lot of questions—but I was intrigued when a podcast listener asked, “Have you noticed that Questioners resist being questioned themselves?” I’d absolutely noticed it in my Questioner husband. In fact, his refusal to be questioned is so pronounced that in our family we have a long-running joke about “N2K.” He provides answers on a “need to know” basis only. Whether it’s “What are you making for dinner?” or “When will you start your new job?” Jamie refuses to answer. Which can drive me crazy.

  I’d assumed this was just a provoking quirk of his personality. Instead, I now realize, it’s an aspect of his Questioner Tendency. While Questioners usually don’t mind providing information, many (though not all) Questioners object to being questioned about anything related to their judgment or decisions. And this can be a source of tension.

  A Questioner wrote to explain:

  We Questioners are perpetually exasperated with people who, unlike us, haven’t exhaustively researched the whys, pros, and cons of everything. If I’ve decided to go on a low-carb diet and some non-Questioner starts questioning me with “But I heard that those diets are really bad for your liver” or “But didn’t Robert Atkins die young?” I get frustrated quickly. If these were valid concerns, obviously I would have discovered them—and then why would I be embarking on this diet? (Cue exasperation.)

  Another Questioner agreed: “As a Questioner, I’d rather not explain myself, or why I’m doing something. We Questioners have thought about the logic behind our decision. So it’s a) exhausting to revisit something and lay out all the reasons and/or b) we feel we’re right, so we don’t feel like we have to justify it to someone else.”

  Because Questioners make careful decisions, they’re often annoyed—even insulted—when people question them. Which is funny, because people often feel that way about the questions of Questioners.

  And, of course, Questioners particularly hate questions they consider a waste of their time. Their first question is “Why should I answer your question?” They’re much more willing to answer a question if they understand why it’s being asked. Not “What time are we leaving?” but “What time are we leaving? Because I’m wondering if I have time to go to the gym.”

  Not surprisingly, others get frustrated when Questioners refuse to answer questions. A Questioner explained, “Given how much effort I put into it, it’s exasperating to have my deliberations ignored, dismissed, or…well…questioned.” Understood. But other people need their questions answered, too.

  So what to do? Instead of making Questioners feel that their decisions are being questioned, others can ask them to explain how they reached their conclusion. Questioners often enjoy teaching or sharing knowledge. For instance: “I’d love to know your thought process. It would help me to understand how you got to that decision.” Or: “I was interested to see that you chose that reporting software, and I’d be curious to hear about why it’s the best one.”

  How Questioners Can Master Analysis-Paralysis

  The Questioner impulse to question can become draining and paralyzing, both for Questioners themselves and for the people around them. As discussed above, some Questioners struggle to end the research phase and move into action. One Questioner wrote: “I can’t stop researching different approaches for various goals (diet, exercise, finances, work). I’m obsessed with finding the most efficient way—which is entirely inefficient. I’m distracted by every shiny new theory or approach.”

  For this reason, Questioners need to limit their overdeliberation. To avoid getting distracted by the urge to dig deeper, Questioners should focus on their ultimate aim. A Questioner friend told me, “I have an insatiable need for information, so when I feel myself getting sucked into research mode, I ask myself, ‘Is this information actually relevant to what I’m trying to decide? Why am I spending this time and energy on this question?’ ”

  “You question your own questioning!” I said.

  Another Questioner told me, “When I work with private clients, my Questioner Tendency used to make it difficult for me to keep appointments within the allotted time, because I always wanted to know more and provide more information.”

  “So how did you change?” I asked, curious.

  “I tapped deeper into my Questioner side and reminded myself of all the very good reasons that sticking to a schedule would be good for me and my clients.”

  Another approach? Questioners might choose to avoid situations that require a lot of research, analysis, and decision making. One Questioner wrote ruefully, “Designing and building a home—what was I thinking? I’ve spent hours upon hours online poring through product reviews and forums, figuring out which was the ‘best’ of everything from flooring to central vacuum systems. Which would be fine if I enjoyed doing it, but I don’t.” It would have been better for her to have hired a contractor she trusted to do this work.

  Of course, finding an expert to “trust” is a challenge. But Questioners with analysis-paralysis can solve it by following the lead of someone they respect or restricting their information sources—checking Consumer Reports; finding the doctor, expert, or other authority they consider reliable; calling a respected friend or family member; or deciding that “the clerks at this camping store are really knowledgeable, so I’m going to buy a tent at this store, I’m not going to let myself go anywhere else.”

  Questioners who suffer from analysis-paralysis, or the people around them, can use deadlines to end research and force a decision—“We need an answer by Friday.” But Questioners may question those limits! One Questioner wrote, “The advice to use a deadline is something I question itself. I only respond to deadlines that make sense. Arbitrary ones don’t work.”

  But for Questioner overquestioning, or any kind of Questioner paralysis, the most important cure is clarity. Is a Questioner struggling to form a habit? Is a Questioner failing to meet an inner expectation? If so, the problem is often clarity—because when Questioners don’t understand clearly why they should meet an expectation, and why they should meet it in a particular way, they won’t meet it. Questioners need clarity, and to get clarity, they can ask questions. (And their questions may suggest why they’re doing certain things others may disapprove of.)

  Why should I bother to do this at all?

  Why should I listen to you; what’s your expertise or authority? “Does this nutritionist have the proper credentials to tell me what to eat?”

  Why should I have to do this, why can’t someone else take care of it? “Can I have surgery instead of doing physical therapy?”

  Can I get more information?

  Can I tweak this expectation to suit my individual needs? “I’m experiencing side effects. I’ll lower my dosage, no need to tell my doctor.”

  Is there a better way to do this? “If I take all
my pills in the morning, I get it over with at one time.”

  Is this approach serving its purpose? “I don’t see why I should bother to take this medication if it doesn’t make me feel better.”

  Who benefits? What’s the real intention of the person or organization setting this expectation? “The doctor makes more money if I have this procedure every week.”

  Once Questioners achieve clarity, they’re able to act. One Questioner wrote:

  Knowing that I’m a Questioner allowed me to quit sugar. I couldn’t do it when it was just a vague notion that sugar was bad for me. I needed research. So I watched lectures, scoured web articles, and read Gary Taubes’s Why We Get Fat. Since then, I’ve found it relatively easy to cut sugar entirely. I needed clear, hard facts, and once I got them, changing my habit became much easier.

  Note, however, that a Questioner’s clarity may not result in the behavior that others are trying to promote.

  How Questioners Can Meet Unjustified Expectations by Finding Their Own Justification

  Questioners often run into trouble when they find themselves in a situation where it’s important to meet an expectation—but they deem that expectation to be arbitrary, inefficient, or unjustified.

  In such situations, Questioners can remind themselves that it may make sense to comply with an expectation—even a senseless or arbitrary one—because it’s important to someone else, or because it’s in their own self-interest.

  One Questioner recalled:

  It took me a long time to realize that making my grandmother happy was a good enough reason, sometimes, to do what she asked. As a young adult, I drove her crazy with questioning what she wanted me to do. Why dry the dishes when they can drain in the dish rack perfectly well? Why can’t I wear all black all the time? But now I just think, “Well, I’ll do these pointless things because they actually do have a point, which is to please my grandmother.”

  A worried-looking medical student asked me, “How do I make myself do something when I’m asked to do something arbitrary or just purely stupid? This happens practically every day, and it’s very hard for me to handle.”

  “Right,” I said, nodding. “This comes up often with Questioners.”

  “So what do I do?”

  “Don’t just focus on the first order of reason, but think about the second order of reason. You’re doing it for your reasons. ‘Yes, this assignment is pointless, and it bugs me to waste time, but I want to earn my professor’s respect. My own goal justifies doing it his way.’ ”

  As these examples illustrate, even when the first order of justification is missing—“Does this expectation make sense on its own?”— Questioners can focus on the second order of justification—“Does it make sense for me to meet this otherwise unjustified expectation, for my own reasons?” It’s important for Questioners to remind themselves to do what they must so that they can do what they want.

  SUMMARY: QUESTIONER

  LIKELY STRENGTHS:

  Data-driven

  Fair-minded (according to his or her judgment)

  Interested in creating systems that are efficient and effective

  Willing to play devil’s advocate

  Comfortable bucking the system if it’s warranted

  Inner-directed

  Unwilling to accept authority without justification

  POSSIBLE WEAKNESSES:

  Can suffer analysis-paralysis

  Impatient with what he or she sees as others’ complacency

  Crackpot potential

  Unable to accept closure on matters that others consider settled if questions remain unanswered

  May refuse to observe expectations that others find fair or at least nonoptional (e.g., traffic regulations)

  May resist answering others’ questions

  6

  Dealing with a Questioner

  “Why do we need a motto?”

  Work • Spouse • Child • Health Client • Choosing a Career

  Dealing with a Questioner at Work

  Questioners can be very valuable for organizations, because they’re the ones asking questions like “Why should we do it this way? Should we be doing it at all? Should we interview more people? Is there a better way to structure this?”

  Questioners love research, finding efficiencies, and eliminating irrational processes. They reject lazy explanations like “This is the way we’ve always done it.” Their questioning ensures that an organization uses its resources most effectively.

  However, even though it’s often valuable to the team effort, the Questioner’s relentless questioning isn’t always appreciated by coworkers and bosses. One Questioner explained:

  Being a Questioner helps me perform the core work of my job well. However, sometimes, when people are willing to go with the flow on a collaborative team project, they view my need to ask questions as not showing team spirit. I think that by politely asking questions (even “Do we really need to do this project?”), we often can clarify our approach, prevent false steps and needless work, and end up with a better result. My zeal for saving time, money, and effort is often appreciated, but it also can annoy people who take any question as criticism or respond with “Because so-and-so says so” or “Because it’s always been this way.” These answers are possibly the two most infuriating justifications anyone could present to a Questioner.

  When Questioners refuse to follow an accepted practice, burn up time questioning issues that others considered settled, or can’t make a decision in a timely way, they can seem difficult. Coworkers can help them avoid overquestioning by putting limits on their investigations. For instance, a manager might tell a Questioner who’s interviewing people for a new hire to decide by a certain date or to consider only the top five candidates. Limitation helps force action.

  Because Questioners have great faith in their own analysis and judgment, they can become convinced of the rightness of their own views and refuse to be persuaded otherwise.

  The head of a firm told me, “My v-p for research is brilliant, but I can’t stand working with him. He questions my decisions and my judgment nonstop. My authority and my expertise mean nothing to him.”

  I said, “He probably doesn’t mean to be undermining. He just questions everything, it’s his nature.”

  “Well, whatever the reason, we can’t even have a conversation anymore. I have to deal with him through an intermediary.”

  When coworkers realize that the Questioner doesn’t intend to be confrontational, or uncooperative, or obstructionist, but is just acting according to his or her Tendency, they find it much easier to be patient and to provide the information that the Questioner needs. One Obliger reported, “I’m a Montessori teacher and I work closely with two Questioners. I used to be infuriated by them daily, but now I suggest books, websites, or articles they can consult to answer their questions.”

  When Questioners work for themselves—start their own business or generate their own type of work—they do well at any task they’ve decided is worth their time and energy. They’re committed to doing only the things that make sense—which, as always, is both a help and a hindrance. For instance, Questioners might not want to waste time in small talk with potential clients—unless they conclude that it will help to close the deal.

  Questioners may also need to take steps to deal with analysis-paralysis, because going solo requires many complex decisions: What’s the best way to keep records, file taxes, get health insurance, handle marketing? A Questioner working alone may become frozen with indecision.

  Dealing with a Questioner Spouse

  A Questioner wrote, “I’m a Questioner and I’m always asking why and how things can be better. My wife jokes that she knows we’re married forever, because I already did the research and made the decision. She’s actually right!”

  I have a lot of exposure to the Questioner Tendency, because my husband, Jamie, is a Questioner. Being married to a Questioner is often helpful to me because as an Upholder, my instinct is
to meet an expectation without questioning it closely. Sometimes I imagine expectations where none exist, or I become too concerned with sticking to the rules. But Jamie always questions an expectation before he’ll comply with it, and seeing his example has taught me to question more.

  However, while I respect and often strive to emulate this aspect of Jamie’s character, sometimes it drives me nuts. I’d prefer a spirit of ready cooperation in our household, but now I understand that he’s not trying to be obstructionist, he just wants to know why he should do what I ask.

  Recently, I wanted Jamie to pick up some deli turkey on his way home from the gym. Jamie doesn’t like that job, because he doesn’t like to wait in line while they slice the meat (Questioners hate to wait in line). Before I knew he was a Questioner, I might have texted him, “Pls pick up shaved smoked turkey on yr way home.” And, I’m confident, he would’ve ignored my request. Not because he’s a jerk, but because he would’ve reasoned, “Why should I have to do this chore? Why buy turkey when we have plenty of food at home? It’s not a good use of my time.” Keeping his Questioner Tendency in mind, I wrote, “Pls pick up turkey on yr way home. Eleanor has 2 field trips this week so we need to pack lunch.” He bought the turkey.

  At times a Questioner’s questions can make a spouse feel under attack or unsupported. One Questioner wrote:

  I always need to understand why, and this has been a big strain on my marriage. My husband feels disrespected by the explanation he has to give to ask me for a simple favor. “Honey, would you buy a new lightbulb?” has turned into a two-day fight. I’ll be damned if I’m going to buy the lightbulb without understanding all the details.