The Four Tendencies Read online

  For Questioners, it’s crucial that an expectation seem reasonable and justified. They resist rules for rules’ sake. A Questioner wrote:

  I decide on a case-by-case basis what rules I’ll follow. I take more than six items into the fitting room if no one’s checking, because it’s inconvenient to keep going in and out. I think the rule is in place not only to prevent theft (which I would never do), but to move things along if there’s a line. Since I only shop during off hours, there never is a line, so I don’t think the rule makes sense, hence, I don’t follow it.

  To a Questioner, this line of thinking is reasonable; a Rebel may get a kick out of breaking the rule, or at least feel indifferent to it. But an Upholder or an Obliger may think, “Why do you get to exempt yourself from a rule that everyone’s expected to follow?”

  Questioners almost never unquestioningly meet an expectation. A Questioner told me, “When I was going to join the Kappa Kappa Gamma sorority, they told me I’d have to vow to be ‘womanly and true.’ I thought, ‘What does that even mean?’ I burst out laughing and dropped out the next day.”

  Because Questioners require solid justifications for what they do, they can add tremendous value to relationships and organizations by ensuring that they—and also the people around them—don’t unthinkingly accept expectations that aren’t well justified. “Why do we bother to hold staff meetings? Why are we using this software? Why do we spend so much time chasing this client?”

  In fact, Questioners are often puzzled by others’ willingness to act without sound reasons. As one Questioner lamented, “I ask, ‘Why do people do anything if they don’t inwardly believe it’s the right thing? What are we, a bunch of lemmings? On the other hand, if people really believe something is the right thing, why wouldn’t they do it?’ ” (Note that this comment takes the form of three questions.)

  Questioners want to make well-considered decisions and are often willing to do exhaustive research. They love to weigh their options. Just as Upholders love index cards, I’ve noticed that a love of spreadsheets is very common among Questioners—they also tend to send people lots of articles.

  A Questioner wrote:

  For my master’s degree, I’ve been indecisive about choosing a thesis topic. This semester, we have the option to do our assignments on our thesis topic, as a sort of prep for next year. Many classmates have written about their intended thesis topic all semester. I, however, have used this as an opportunity to try out a different topic on every single assignment. It has meant a lot of extra work, and now I know why. As a Questioner, I need to learn lots about a topic before I can commit.

  Because of their enthusiastic research, Questioners often become resources for other people; they enjoy sharing their knowledge.

  Along the same lines, Questioners tend to be very interested in improving processes. They like to eliminate mistakes and make things run better. A Questioner friend told me how much he’d enjoyed working as a fact-checker; another told me that his hobby was to work on user-interface improvements.

  For Questioners, arguments like “We’ve always done it this way,” or “This is standard practice,” or “I’m the boss” carry no weight. They want to know why. Questioners will challenge assumptions, consider other alternatives, and reject conventional wisdom. One Questioner wrote:

  When I was younger, I didn’t understand the point of fashion and makeup, so I ignored it. Now that I’m older and in the working world, it has been demonstrated to me (through both subjective experience and objective research) that one’s appearance affects one’s career track and interactions with others, and I put what I feel to be a reasonable amount of effort into looking attractive. I measure that against the amount of time I want to spend on inner work, since I believe that to be even more important.

  A very Questioner way of thinking.

  Questioners want to make up their own minds—even when given “expert” advice. They don’t automatically accept authority, but always ask, “Why should I listen to this person, anyway?” For instance, before deciding to sign up for a class, they might interview the teacher, sit in on a few sessions, or ask for references.

  “When I decided to lose weight,” one Questioner recalled, “I made spreadsheets of the nutritionists, nutritional plans, and doctors I wanted to try, with their pros and cons. I found a nutritionist who met my requirements, and I’m mostly following her program.”

  As this comment illustrates, Questioners like to customize. One Questioner exhibited this Questioner desire—and also dislike of the arbitrariness of New Year’s resolutions—when he told me, “I did a thirty-day workout video challenge, but I did it every other day instead of consecutive days. I happened to start it on January 1, and whenever I told anyone about it, I always emphasized that I just happened to start it on January 1—that it was not a New Year’s resolution. At the time I didn’t know that I’m a Questioner, but now I understand why it was so important to me to say that.”

  Weaknesses (and Strengths)

  As with all of the Tendencies, the strengths of Questioners are also the weaknesses. As one Questioner explained, “While questioning has served me very well professionally—I’m a high-profile public company C-level executive, and a busy mother of young children—it’s also absolutely exhausting. I question and requestion everyone and everything.”

  When Questioners don’t accept the justification for an expectation, they refuse to meet it—which can get them into trouble. At home or at work, others may find their constant questioning to be tiresome, draining, or obstructive. Others may conclude that Questioners raise questions needlessly, or argue for the sake of arguing, or refuse to accept authority or decisions. For instance, one Questioner said, “When a new practice gets implemented at the company I work for, I’ll often (quietly or loudly) boycott it until someone justifies the practice to my liking.” To a Questioner, this seems sensible—but a manager or coworker might disagree.

  A boss who doesn’t understand a Questioner’s ways may find the behavior annoying, or disrespectful, or decide that the Questioner “isn’t a team player.” One Questioner told me that he was fired because even though he was doing good work, his thin-skinned boss interpreted his barrage of questions as insubordination.

  Similarly, for young Questioners, school can present a real challenge, because many school rules seem arbitrary or inefficient, and teachers and administrators often feel little obligation to justify them. In such a situation, Questioners may find it tough to complete necessary work, and they may act in ways that make them look uncooperative or impudent. One Questioner wrote:

  I’ve been showing my Questioner Tendency since I was a little girl, such as when I threw a fit over needing to send a Valentine Day’s card to every kid in my class. In my eight-year-old mind, if I sent valentines to everyone, including the kids I didn’t like, then the ones I sent to my real friends would be meaningless. Elementary school can be frustrating for us Questioners.

  But the problem isn’t limited to elementary school. Another Questioner explained:

  As a Questioner, I tend to question and disobey expectations I deem stupid, an inefficient use of my time, or arbitrary. As a graduate student, this has hindered me from completing coursework that I believe to be arbitrary—for example, weekly responses to prove that I’ve completed the readings. However, I gladly complete the challenging course deliverables such as projects and lab assignments, because I feel like I’m learning and being challenged.

  The Questioners’ constant questioning process may exhaust and drain the people around them, yet those questions must be answered if Questioners are to comply.

  Questioners themselves sometimes wish they could stop questioning. “I always want to have just one more piece of information before I decide, and I can’t ever stop.” “I question outside rules too often. People often tell me, ‘Give it a rest. Just get on with things!’ I wish I could.” All that questioning burns time and energy. In law school, a Questioner friend interviewed w
ith dozens of law firms; I interviewed with six; we both ended up at the same firm.

  The constant questioning means that Questioners sometimes suffer from analysis-paralysis. They want to continue to gather research, weigh their options, and consider more possibilities. They crave perfect information, but very often in life we must make decisions and move forward without perfect information.

  Sometimes, too, questioning makes Questioners hesitate and stumble. For instance, many Questioners report that when they try to follow health advice, they begin to consider whether they’re following the “best” approach—they think, “Maybe I should do more research, maybe there’s a more efficient way, maybe this advice is incorrect,” which stops their efforts.

  In fact, because Questioners excel at looking for reasons and questioning decisions, if they want to find a rationale for avoiding an expectation or breaking a good habit, they can. They are good at identifying loopholes. As one Questioner explained:

  I can question and rationalize my way out of anything. My conversations in my head are often very Jekyll and Hyde: “You should exercise.” “But it’s too cold outside.” “Do your workout inside.” “But I have too much work and that takes precedence over exercise!” I get overwhelmed by the internal dialogue, so I end up watching TV to turn off my brain.

  Along those same lines, the Questioners’ desire to customize, and their questioning of expert advice, can be frustrating for those to whom they turn for help, advice, or services: teachers, bosses, colleagues, doctors, college counselors, plumbers, lawn-care specialists. When I read about one survey in which 26% of doctors agreed with the statement “My patients think they know better than I do what’s good for them,” I thought, “Hmmm, sounds to me like they’re Questioners.” A Questioner explained: “I disregard ‘expert’ opinion often. My dentist suggests that patients get annual X-rays. I don’t. I get them every five years, because I believe that frequent, unnecessary X-rays can be a cause of cancer.”

  Another Questioner summed up the Questioner perspective: “Any kind of medical person must hate to see me coming, because I always have a multitude of questions and won’t leave until I’m satisfied. If I have some knowledge already, I may act on that, whether or not it concurs with medical advice. If I don’t have the knowledge already, I take the answers to my questions and do my own research before deciding whether to follow advice.”

  As with all the Tendencies, a gift can become a curse. Because Questioners are motivated by sound reasons—or rather what they believe to be sound reasons, which sometimes aren’t—they can sometimes seem like crackpots. They may reject the guidance of experts to follow their own conclusions and ignore those who argue, “Why do you think you know more about pneumonia than a trained doctor?” or “Everyone in the office uses one format for the reports, why do you insist on using your own crazy format?”

  Judging from the material I read when I was writing my biography of John F. Kennedy, Forty Ways to Look at JFK, I suspect that many conspiracy theorists are Questioners.

  In some situations, a Questioner’s crackpot aspect may be tiresome. For instance, legendary entrepreneur and business leader Steve Jobs was a Questioner, and when he was a young man he believed that eating a fruit-heavy, vegetarian diet meant that he didn’t need to worry about body odor—even though many people told him that, in fact, he did need to worry about it. And this aspect of the Questioner can actually become dangerous. When Jobs was first diagnosed with the cancer that led to his death, he rejected the accepted approach of chemotherapy and surgery, and unsuccessfully tried to cure himself using a self-prescribed regimen of acupuncture, a vegan diet, herbal remedies, and other nonconventional treatments before finally agreeing to surgery.

  As with all the Tendencies, with wisdom and experience, Questioners can learn to manage the weaknesses of their Tendencies. One Questioner summarized: “As a Questioner, I’ve learned that I can get into trouble when I ignore rules without communicating. Now I follow the rules, change the rules—or move on.”

  One puzzling note about Questioners: They often remark on how much they hate to wait in line. A friend told me, “I hate waiting in line so much that I can’t even carry on a conversation while waiting to be seated in a restaurant.” Perhaps it’s the inefficiency.

  Variations Within the Tendency

  Like people of all Tendencies, Questioners can be very different from one another.

  The Questioner Tendency overlaps with Upholder (both meet inner expectations) and Rebel (both resist outer expectations).

  QUESTIONER/Upholders are more likely to meet outer expectations. They’re fairly ready to accept the rationale for social expectations and general rules; one QUESTIONER/Upholder explained, “I have a deep belief that rules are probably there for a reason, even if I don’t know what it is. It’s important to me not to get in trouble and not to inconvenience others when I weigh my options. But if I don’t think an activity has any useful purpose, I can’t bring myself to do it.”

  My husband, Jamie, is a QUESTIONER/Upholder. He questions everything, but he can be persuaded fairly easily to meet an expectation. As an Upholder, I doubt I could be married happily to someone who wasn’t like that. Which is a sobering thought.

  On the other end of the spectrum, some Questioners tip toward Rebel; they challenge expectations so fiercely, and reject them so often, that they may look like Rebels. (The key differences? Questioners resist an expectation because they think it’s unjustified; Rebels resist because they don’t want to be controlled. Another telling distinction: If Questioners set an expectation for themselves, they have little trouble meeting it; Rebels struggle.)

  Perhaps it’s my Upholder nature, but I find it hilarious, and sometimes maddening, to hear Questioners-tipped-to-Rebels argue why they won’t follow the rules.

  For instance, some QUESTIONER/Rebels reject traffic regulations. One wrote, “I sneer at speed limits and drive what I feel comfortable with.” When I wrote back to ask, “Do you think all drivers should drive at the speed that they think is safe?” the commenter replied, “Yes, it may be a good idea just to drive at whatever speed you are comfortable with. Most people have a certain speed they will not exceed, anyway. And you only have to travel the interstate to see just how much people abide by the speed limit, anyway. Like the drug laws, it is useless.” That’s the Questioner-tipped-to-Rebel perspective: The ineffectiveness and arbitrariness of a general expectation makes it illegitimate and therefore it should be disregarded.

  Another QUESTIONER/Rebel wrote, “I received a ticket for parking the wrong way on the street; I have yet to pay it; I don’t understand the purpose of how parking one way or another keeps anyone safer, thus I’m not ponying up.” I fought back the impulse to respond, “Good luck with that.”

  The fact is, if Questioners disagree with an outer expectation, they feel entitled to dismiss it.

  Depending on their personality, Questioners also vary in their decisiveness. Some Questioners suffer from analysis-paralysis. Their questioning, and their desire for more information, block them from moving forward. One Questioner explained, “I often find myself researching every brand, type, company, or offer before l will purchase something. I agonize over it, often for weeks at a time, before finally making a decision.”

  On the other hand, some Questioners are very decisive. My husband, Jamie, is a Questioner, and always wants to know why a certain thing should be done; but once his questions are answered, he acts fast.

  Of course, many Questioners are a mix. One Questioner explained,

  I do occasionally fall into analysis-paralysis, but surprisingly this most often happens with seemingly unimportant decisions. I had no trouble deciding on a college major, whether or not to get married young, or whether or not to get a dog. However, I spent months deciding on what planner to order for the new year. My husband (Obliger) couldn’t believe the amount of time I spent researching. When I finally hit the order button for a Day Designer, he was thrilled and said, “Can
we stop discussing planners now?”

  Another variation within the Questioner Tendency? Social adeptness. Socially skilled Questioners manage to pose their questions without annoying or draining others, or making them feel defensive. If Questioners find themselves accused of overquestioning, of lacking team spirit, or of being uncooperative, they may benefit from learning to pose questions differently. Instead of interrupting a boss’s presentation to say abruptly, “This new rule doesn’t make any sense,” they can learn to ask, “Could you tell me why the rule was created? If I understand its purpose, I’ll have a much easier time implementing it.” Delivery can sometimes make a big difference in whether others see a Questioner as constructive or obstructive.

  I’ve noticed another interesting pattern among Questioners: They often question the Four Tendencies framework itself.

  Every time I give a talk about the Four Tendencies, I get a big laugh, and some nods of recognition, when I announce, “If your first reaction to the Four Tendencies is to think, ‘Well, I question the validity of your framework,’ you’re probably a Questioner.”

  Partly this arises from their questioning nature, of course. Questioners qualify, hedge, and find exceptions to the answers they give on the quiz. They may also be skeptical about whether this framework has a sound basis in science or whether a single framework with four categories could describe all of humanity. Many Questioners have told me, “I question the validity of lumping all people into four broad categories.”

  “But here’s the thing,” I always answer. “Many people make that exact comment when I tell them about the Four Tendencies. They make the very same objection in practically identical words!” It’s funny: their objection to categories puts them into a category.